I think it's time for a ranking
After all, rankings have been a part of every Valbowski in existance. So, I will give you all a taste of what I'm enduring over here while you enjoy the comforts of an American life.
Top 10 Things I Miss About My Life In the United States:
10. Target and Wall-mart. I know, it's a little sad, and obviously American, but you just don't find those type of stores here. If you have a shopping list that looks something like this: toilet paper, camera battery, DVD, greeting card, boxers, potato peeler, potted plant, candle holder, nose hair trimmer, grill, milk, plastic golf balls, beach towel, altoids, photo developing, prescription medicine, glitter, car tires, and a soft pretzel, you've got a week of searching and shopping ahead of you.
9. The Onion. Newspapers in general. There are a dozen or so daily newspapers here, but most of them are complete tabloids, and all are incredibly biased. I look forward to picking up the Onion every Tuesday and seeing headlines that I know are fake. I'm not sure here sometimes.
8. Free public bathrooms. It seems strange, but you notice the lack of lavatories here. I've already paid to use them twice. Some pubs don't even have them. It's no wonder I've seen countless drunks relieving themself at the curb.
7. Being able to get in my car, drive five minutes to a restaurant, movie theater, grocery store, liquor store, bank, post office--do my thing, and drive home. Not happening here. In fact, if you drive your personal car in London at all in the daylight hours of the week, you're getting charged. Eight pounds a day to drive your own car.
6. American cable TV. This is the one I'm most ashamed to admit, especially since in my heart I know it belongs higher than number 6. I just can't get into the British soap operas, and they take up much of the primetime lineup. Yes, we do have satellite TV, but if you're interested in seeing what channels we get, let me know when I get home and I'll show you some video.
5. Working out. You walk everywhere here, which keeps you in check, but if you want to work your muscles, it's gonna cost you 55 pounds a month, something which I cannot afford. Therefore, a couple years of consistent work is being erased in four months.
4. The streets. Streets here, in general, make no sense. For example, if you are trying to find Abbey Road, the location of the most famous album cover of all time and the recording studio of the Beatles, you will have 23 different streets to choose from. Even locals don't know the streets; my program director said she wouldn't be able to direct a cab driver to her house from the center of the city. That's not all. Streets will have one name on one side of a street, and a different name on the other. This becomes extremely difficult when they AREN'T MARKED. I can't tell you how many times I've walked aimlessly looking for a street, only to realize it wasn't marked or had a different name on the side of the street I was looking.
3. Music. In my time here, I will have missed Twin Cities concerts of U2, Coldplay (minor loss), Kanye West, the Arcade Fire, Sufjan Stevens and the New Pornographers. And those are just the ones I know off the top of my head. I'm not paining myself by looking anything up. Not to mention the fact that I can't put any new music on my iPod, listen to anyone else's newest tunes or read local publications and reviews. My current library is being stretched.
2. Food. I'll keep this list abbreviated. CHIPOTLE. VILLAGE WOK. Good Mexican food, good Chinese food. Bongards pepper jack cheese, salad dressing, real hot dogs, potato chips, Taco Bell, real guacamole, beef jerky, salmon, cucumbers, Hormel breakfast sausage, EZ Stop cheddarwursts and jalapeno cheddar dogs. The late hours most restaurants and bars are open. Old Chicago. The Sportsman's. Duffy's. Santana's. Being able to get home cooking if I want it. The promise of a Thanksgiving feast.
1. 1212 Como Avenue, #1. I miss being able to speak in abbreviations, acronyms and invented words. I miss naming public bathrooms. I miss Soraya's summer dresses. I miss Neil's craftmanship. I miss the eel. I miss the look that's on half of your faces right now because you have no idea what any of us in that house are saying. I miss being outnumbered as a Vikings fan. I miss Gopher football games on campus. I miss having people to talk to who know ANYTHING about sports. I miss the B.A.C. Hall of Fame, the breathalizer, the Aristocrat Vodka. I miss getting hooked on every reality TV show. I miss the skip count, the mouse count and the school day countdown. I miss walls crumbling, ceilings falling and pipes bursting. I miss seeding. I miss grilling. And I miss everybody who's ever set foot in it. Someone e-mail me.
Well, I'm getting quite homesick. Let's cheer up with some huge news.
It took 22 years, each passing year my doubts increasing, but the prophecy foretold that summer afternoon by the man at the hamburger stand at More 4 is finally coming to pass. In the years since, I have prepared myself for this day, storing hopes and stockpiling expectations in my brain like a fully-stocked Y2K bunker. I had nearly given up--resigned to the fact that my prophecy would fall as flat as those of Y2K. And what would I do with the three dozen cases of bottled water?
Yet today, as I type this, the seed that was to be my future has been sown. My turkey has been basted. It's happening.
I'm growing chest hair.
You see, that afternoon, I was asked a simple question: "Would you like onions on your burger?" Reeling from the unexpected query, I stood motionless, as frozen as the patties in the cooler at the inquisitor's feet. "You'll never grow chest hair if you don't have onions on your burger..." I scoped him out. This man definitely had onions with his burgers. More accurately, he had burger with his onions. This man should have been a Leonard.
Yes, I said, I will have onions, fully understanding what this decision could mean to my future. And then, in a moment frozen in time and space, the man gave me a look and a wink, as if to say 'Yes, my son, you too will one day join the fraternity.' I look forward to the day when I will ask my son that fateful question. I just hope I'm not working at a More 4 hamburger stand when I do it.
Top 10 Things I Miss About My Life In the United States:
10. Target and Wall-mart. I know, it's a little sad, and obviously American, but you just don't find those type of stores here. If you have a shopping list that looks something like this: toilet paper, camera battery, DVD, greeting card, boxers, potato peeler, potted plant, candle holder, nose hair trimmer, grill, milk, plastic golf balls, beach towel, altoids, photo developing, prescription medicine, glitter, car tires, and a soft pretzel, you've got a week of searching and shopping ahead of you.
9. The Onion. Newspapers in general. There are a dozen or so daily newspapers here, but most of them are complete tabloids, and all are incredibly biased. I look forward to picking up the Onion every Tuesday and seeing headlines that I know are fake. I'm not sure here sometimes.
8. Free public bathrooms. It seems strange, but you notice the lack of lavatories here. I've already paid to use them twice. Some pubs don't even have them. It's no wonder I've seen countless drunks relieving themself at the curb.
7. Being able to get in my car, drive five minutes to a restaurant, movie theater, grocery store, liquor store, bank, post office--do my thing, and drive home. Not happening here. In fact, if you drive your personal car in London at all in the daylight hours of the week, you're getting charged. Eight pounds a day to drive your own car.
6. American cable TV. This is the one I'm most ashamed to admit, especially since in my heart I know it belongs higher than number 6. I just can't get into the British soap operas, and they take up much of the primetime lineup. Yes, we do have satellite TV, but if you're interested in seeing what channels we get, let me know when I get home and I'll show you some video.
5. Working out. You walk everywhere here, which keeps you in check, but if you want to work your muscles, it's gonna cost you 55 pounds a month, something which I cannot afford. Therefore, a couple years of consistent work is being erased in four months.
4. The streets. Streets here, in general, make no sense. For example, if you are trying to find Abbey Road, the location of the most famous album cover of all time and the recording studio of the Beatles, you will have 23 different streets to choose from. Even locals don't know the streets; my program director said she wouldn't be able to direct a cab driver to her house from the center of the city. That's not all. Streets will have one name on one side of a street, and a different name on the other. This becomes extremely difficult when they AREN'T MARKED. I can't tell you how many times I've walked aimlessly looking for a street, only to realize it wasn't marked or had a different name on the side of the street I was looking.
3. Music. In my time here, I will have missed Twin Cities concerts of U2, Coldplay (minor loss), Kanye West, the Arcade Fire, Sufjan Stevens and the New Pornographers. And those are just the ones I know off the top of my head. I'm not paining myself by looking anything up. Not to mention the fact that I can't put any new music on my iPod, listen to anyone else's newest tunes or read local publications and reviews. My current library is being stretched.
2. Food. I'll keep this list abbreviated. CHIPOTLE. VILLAGE WOK. Good Mexican food, good Chinese food. Bongards pepper jack cheese, salad dressing, real hot dogs, potato chips, Taco Bell, real guacamole, beef jerky, salmon, cucumbers, Hormel breakfast sausage, EZ Stop cheddarwursts and jalapeno cheddar dogs. The late hours most restaurants and bars are open. Old Chicago. The Sportsman's. Duffy's. Santana's. Being able to get home cooking if I want it. The promise of a Thanksgiving feast.
1. 1212 Como Avenue, #1. I miss being able to speak in abbreviations, acronyms and invented words. I miss naming public bathrooms. I miss Soraya's summer dresses. I miss Neil's craftmanship. I miss the eel. I miss the look that's on half of your faces right now because you have no idea what any of us in that house are saying. I miss being outnumbered as a Vikings fan. I miss Gopher football games on campus. I miss having people to talk to who know ANYTHING about sports. I miss the B.A.C. Hall of Fame, the breathalizer, the Aristocrat Vodka. I miss getting hooked on every reality TV show. I miss the skip count, the mouse count and the school day countdown. I miss walls crumbling, ceilings falling and pipes bursting. I miss seeding. I miss grilling. And I miss everybody who's ever set foot in it. Someone e-mail me.
Well, I'm getting quite homesick. Let's cheer up with some huge news.
It took 22 years, each passing year my doubts increasing, but the prophecy foretold that summer afternoon by the man at the hamburger stand at More 4 is finally coming to pass. In the years since, I have prepared myself for this day, storing hopes and stockpiling expectations in my brain like a fully-stocked Y2K bunker. I had nearly given up--resigned to the fact that my prophecy would fall as flat as those of Y2K. And what would I do with the three dozen cases of bottled water?
Yet today, as I type this, the seed that was to be my future has been sown. My turkey has been basted. It's happening.
I'm growing chest hair.
You see, that afternoon, I was asked a simple question: "Would you like onions on your burger?" Reeling from the unexpected query, I stood motionless, as frozen as the patties in the cooler at the inquisitor's feet. "You'll never grow chest hair if you don't have onions on your burger..." I scoped him out. This man definitely had onions with his burgers. More accurately, he had burger with his onions. This man should have been a Leonard.
Yes, I said, I will have onions, fully understanding what this decision could mean to my future. And then, in a moment frozen in time and space, the man gave me a look and a wink, as if to say 'Yes, my son, you too will one day join the fraternity.' I look forward to the day when I will ask my son that fateful question. I just hope I'm not working at a More 4 hamburger stand when I do it.
posted by Kristie at 1:37 PM
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