BY REQUEST
This is now the third attempt at this post. But, I had a special request that needs to be dealt with. This will not be a typical post, yet instead a trip into Valbowskis past to revisit an old favorite. I bring you, Euro-style, MUTILATED BEAST VS. MUTILATED BEAST.
In one corner, representing a race of creatures so fierce, yet now so incredibly endangered, I present to you
THE GIANT GOLDEN MOLE (http://www.animalinfo.org/image/chrytrev1%20jpg%2060.jpg)
In the other corner, we find a beast that has been distint for ages, but has agreed to come back for this special bout. I give you
THE GIANT LAND SLOTH (http://www.museum.state.il.us/exhibits/larson/sloth.html)
Now, this matchup may seem a bit unfair, but we must take a closer look at the animals. While the sloth dominates in size and strength (20 ft and 3 tons compared to 8 inches and 19 ounces--the sloth's claw is two-and-a-half times the length of the mole's body), the mole can use his unmatched cunning and escapeability to wear down the large mammal. We must also keep in mind that the mole has no eyes, but it has a tremendous sense of hearing and can detect the most undetectable of vibrations.
Now for the mutations.
The mole, known for its burrowing capabilities, is able to tunnel underneath the sloth's skin. While burrowing, he plants small explosives that detonate in sequence when he exits the sloth's body. (He can't stay inside for the entire battle--he would explode anyway.) While these explosives alone won't kill the sloth, they will slow him down. However, every time the mole plants an explosive, the sloth gains extra strength for his main weapon, his genital-ticking laser eyes. The mole is world-famous for his extremely large genitalia and reproductive system, and is widely regarded as having the most percentage of its body covered by its unit. When the sloth connects with his tickling laser, the mole gets sent lightyears beyond orgasm, past the point of pleasure and into pain. Therefore, he must plant his explosives wisely, and do his best to dodge the beams.
The sloth's powers don't end there. Seemingly built perfectly to exploit the mole's characteristics, he uses the mole's sense of smell against him, with his extremely potent flatulence. If the fumes directly enter the mole's nostrils, the effect may be lethal. I assure you that the first time I wrote this post, the language and delivery were far more superior, because I was borderline drunk, yet still coherent. I'm struggling to recapture that feeling. To combat the sloth's gas, the mole is equipped with a gas-repelling fan in each nostril. While the fan cannot completely repel the gas, it also launches killer pop rocks that ignite on contact. When these pop rocks connect in the right areas, the sloth suffers immensely.
Each creature has one final weapon, the deadliest in their arsenal. On the bottom of each of the sloth's four paws, you will find a nerf gun that shoots walnuts at a very rapid rate. Those walnuts hurt man. But these aren't your average walnuts. These nuts are covered in gravel, a texture that certainly hurts when launched at 350 miles per hour. The only disadvantage to this weapon is that the sloth must lift up his feet to fire, leaving him unbalanced and vulnerable. The mole's last line of defense is a good one. Since he is not large enough to have weapons inside him, he is able to use the surroundings as a weapon. In this case, the animals are battling inside a room that's walls are made entirely of file cabinets. Metal ones. At any time, the mole can magically make any drawer spring open. If the sloth is on the move, the mole can pull out a drawer and stop the sloth in his tracks. If the sloth is standing still, he can open a drawer that will connect with the beast.
So there you have it, Mutilated Beast Vs. Mutilated Beast, U.K. edition. I'm shuttered.
In one corner, representing a race of creatures so fierce, yet now so incredibly endangered, I present to you
THE GIANT GOLDEN MOLE (http://www.animalinfo.org/image/chrytrev1%20jpg%2060.jpg)
In the other corner, we find a beast that has been distint for ages, but has agreed to come back for this special bout. I give you
THE GIANT LAND SLOTH (http://www.museum.state.il.us/exhibits/larson/sloth.html)
Now, this matchup may seem a bit unfair, but we must take a closer look at the animals. While the sloth dominates in size and strength (20 ft and 3 tons compared to 8 inches and 19 ounces--the sloth's claw is two-and-a-half times the length of the mole's body), the mole can use his unmatched cunning and escapeability to wear down the large mammal. We must also keep in mind that the mole has no eyes, but it has a tremendous sense of hearing and can detect the most undetectable of vibrations.
Now for the mutations.
The mole, known for its burrowing capabilities, is able to tunnel underneath the sloth's skin. While burrowing, he plants small explosives that detonate in sequence when he exits the sloth's body. (He can't stay inside for the entire battle--he would explode anyway.) While these explosives alone won't kill the sloth, they will slow him down. However, every time the mole plants an explosive, the sloth gains extra strength for his main weapon, his genital-ticking laser eyes. The mole is world-famous for his extremely large genitalia and reproductive system, and is widely regarded as having the most percentage of its body covered by its unit. When the sloth connects with his tickling laser, the mole gets sent lightyears beyond orgasm, past the point of pleasure and into pain. Therefore, he must plant his explosives wisely, and do his best to dodge the beams.
The sloth's powers don't end there. Seemingly built perfectly to exploit the mole's characteristics, he uses the mole's sense of smell against him, with his extremely potent flatulence. If the fumes directly enter the mole's nostrils, the effect may be lethal. I assure you that the first time I wrote this post, the language and delivery were far more superior, because I was borderline drunk, yet still coherent. I'm struggling to recapture that feeling. To combat the sloth's gas, the mole is equipped with a gas-repelling fan in each nostril. While the fan cannot completely repel the gas, it also launches killer pop rocks that ignite on contact. When these pop rocks connect in the right areas, the sloth suffers immensely.
Each creature has one final weapon, the deadliest in their arsenal. On the bottom of each of the sloth's four paws, you will find a nerf gun that shoots walnuts at a very rapid rate. Those walnuts hurt man. But these aren't your average walnuts. These nuts are covered in gravel, a texture that certainly hurts when launched at 350 miles per hour. The only disadvantage to this weapon is that the sloth must lift up his feet to fire, leaving him unbalanced and vulnerable. The mole's last line of defense is a good one. Since he is not large enough to have weapons inside him, he is able to use the surroundings as a weapon. In this case, the animals are battling inside a room that's walls are made entirely of file cabinets. Metal ones. At any time, the mole can magically make any drawer spring open. If the sloth is on the move, the mole can pull out a drawer and stop the sloth in his tracks. If the sloth is standing still, he can open a drawer that will connect with the beast.
So there you have it, Mutilated Beast Vs. Mutilated Beast, U.K. edition. I'm shuttered.
posted by Kristie at 4:07 PM
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