one quick thing

If I were to rank my biggest pet peeves, and I'm not about to go through that process, it might look something like this:

1. Bottled water
2. The phrase "pet peeve"
3. Late blinkers
4. Over-ambitious fast food menus

It's the fourth that's bugging me this week. Didn't we learn anything from Burger King's taco attempt? McDonalds' brief experiment with the bratwurst? Do what you do best. If I want a burger, I'll go to a burger place. If I want Mexican, I'll go to a taco bar. If I want a sub sandwich, I'll head to those establishments. I don't want confusion, I don't want overlapping. Period. Two restaurants have recently tested me. Arby's infraction is a bit more forgiveable, because to my knowledge, no fast food restaurant has previously tried a roast beef gyro. But somehow the reasoning behind that avoidance slipped the minds of the Arby's people. A roast beef gyro from Arby's sounds vomit in a pita. There's just no reason for this.

The second is more alarming, and it is brought to us by Hardees, the same people whose Monster Burger and variations caused more heart attacks than any other fast food menu option in history. Hardees has two new head-shaking menu items: the beer battered fish sandwich, and the TACO SALAD. I'm sure that reheated-from-frozen beer batter taste holds extremely well. And a taco salad? Not only is the taco salad on the menu, but it is heavily advertised on the restauant sign. You know how you feel when you get so worked up over something that the emotions clog any words you might possibly barf out? That's what this development induces in me. I simply cannot do my feelings justice with the words provided to me by the English language.

a trip

I knew I wasn't prepared for my college years to end. It's hard to come to the point in your life where the greatest years of your life, as I've heard from countless people in my days, are over. And it's hard to refute those assertions. I would never leave if I had the choice: never leave 1212 Como, never leave Dinkytown, the east bank, the Gopher Express, the rec, Williams Arena, the campus connectors, the mall. This sensation is unlike any other I've felt, and I feel weird writing this sentimentally. I don't think I could adequately sum up the experiences I've had in my four years here, so instead of trying, I'm going to recount some of my favorite memories from 264 Frontier Hall, 3025 Argyle, 1212 Como and the surrounding areas.


Freshman Year, 2002-2003:

My favorite:

Album: “Let Go,” Nada Surf

Film: Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Book: Heart of Darkness, Joseph Conrad

Website: Addicting Games

Class: Italian 1001

I came to the U with my roommate, Andrew Aleckson, and his two friends, Elliot Esch and Conor Leonard, all thinking I was some weird European foreign exchange student. It was a difficult hurdle to clear at first. I took geology ("Rocks for Jocks") and met my first college crush, Karen H. Kleinspehn, Esquire. Don't be fooled by the website, her middle initial is H.

I was introduced to life in the Superblock--sand volleyball, the infamous Superblock smell, annoying dorm themes (Our homecoming theme was superheroes and Frontier honored the "real" superheroes--teachers, police officers, firefighters...we stole the astronaut and plastered him on our room door. The Astronaut, the real American hero, of course.) The winter brought us the snowball fight of my lifetime, where I got drilled in the eye and Chief lost his keys.

I ate almost exclusively from the two Superblock dining halls, in Centennial and Pioneer. I fell in love with the food instantly; the salad bar, the ice cream, fountain pop, grilled cheese and burgers everyday, and the late night taco bar every tuesday. Unfortunately, that love waned after the first week. I'm still recovering. And how could we forget the Hot Semen Geyser (HSG) that greeted us as we injected our trays into Centennial's dishwashing compartments. Forever seared into my nostrils.

There are the sports memories too: Chief's lacrosse games, riding in the aisle of the school bus that took us to the Gopher football games, winning the hockey national championship, Bill Raftery guaranteeing us the Gophers would make the NCAA tournament (we didn't) after Michael Bauer hit a buzzer-beating three-pointer to beat Georgia. But one memory stands out; it was the Saturday before the second semester began, and everyone had just gotten back from winter break. The Gophers were playing Purdue, who was ranked at the time. Williams Arena was electric, and we absolutely demolished them. I think the score was 90-69 or something like that. I had never seen a beating like that. It was the first time I can remember being excited to be at college. In there, among the crazed students, felt so good. It's a memory that still gives me chills.

I played Liz (cards) with Mary Malone, Megan Oleson, Nolan McGraw, Tyler Johnson, Elliot, and Conor. I first learned of Susan B. and how much fun it was to reference her as much as possible. I learned how to take the bus to St. Thomas (the short way and the long way) and got my first ride in Conor’s ‘Bishi (to the midnight screening of the Matrix: Reloaded).

But the best part about my freshman year was undoubtedly my introduction to Chief. I shaved his head with a straight razor (that will strengthen any relationship), cared for him when he fell out of bed and peed his pants, and helped him haul his 6-foot tall wooden totem pole onto the campus connector and across campus to our room. We bonded over sports, our 6-foot pile of garbage, and the Knife Collector’s Show. We watched MXC when it was still hip, caught mid-afternoon reruns of the World’s Strongest Men and ended most nights by watching Conan. Chief named his first bathroom (“The Bat Cave”) and serenaded a stuffed Homer Simpson doll with David Gray’s “Babylon.” He introduced me to Barry Manilow, Axe body spray and Fletch (which we watched every night for 2 weeks). Traditions such as the Star Wars marathon and the Finals Week Mustache started.

Sophomore Year, 2003-2004:

Album: “The Love Below,” Andre 3000

Film: For the sake of variety, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (It’s really LOTR: Return of the King

Book: The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams

Website: Movies.com

Class: Italy Through Film

In the fall of 2003, Chief, Elliot, Conor and I moved to Argyle House, where we locked down Apartment 3025. By the end of the year, I was told, Argyle would be one giant party house. Didn’t happen. We may have alienated ourselves from the rest of the community with our intense love of Jack’s Mexican Pizzas, fish portions, ethnic juices (juego de coco, tamarind juice), jalopy (an invented mix of green alcoholic beverages) and sasquatch food (a blended mix of leftover hamburger, pizza, buns and ketchup). It tastes even better than it sounds. And we did more than just eat food. Chief’s ice cream birthday cake landed on Conor’s face, Elliot’s burning pot pie spilled on his hand, the mega-size bottle of ketchup ended up all over the kitchen floor, the bottle of syrup spread all over Conor’s desk, the bag of flour was dumped on Conor as he showered, the green olive juice added into Chief’s shampoo. The food memory that stands out the most is the Thanksgiving dinner we cooked. We made it all, including a stuffed turkey, and capped the night off with a showing of “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles,” a Thanksgiving classic. One of the ten most memorable events of the four years.

Sophomore year was the year we debuted the beer pong table, which is still going strong today. It was the year the Gophers football team beat Wisconsin on a last-second Rhys Lloyd field goal. We woke up at 6 a.m. that morning to the blaring sound of Wham!’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.” Chief puked on the walk to the game. It was a year in which we held weekly movie nights, complemented usually by chicken fajitas or Conor’s “goodness.” It was a year in which we shared our kitchen with the all-seeing, all-knowing eel, who lived in our sink and was known to scavenge for unattended ice cream. Countless hours that year were spent playing fooseball (I beat Conor in a best of 19 series, 10 games to 9) or hallway golf (the long halls provided for several improbable holes-in-one.) The public bathrooms didn’t go unnamed, either. The men’s was coined The Sanctuary, the women’s, “The Secret Garden.”

Sophomore year was also the year Conor uttered this infamous quote about Outkast: “They’re weird, but they have a lot of sex, so they’re cool.” Guess you had to be there.

Two memories stand out: late one night, as I was probably winding down by watching “Glitter” on HBO, Chief barged through the door. “I got a Mike’s!” he yelled, slamming his recently-acquired sub sandwich on the floor. The aggression sent him off balance, and he grasped for anything he could, eventually grabbing the recliner and dragging it with him to the ground. The funniest five seconds of my life.

But the lasting memory of my years was the 48-hour Dew Fest, in which Chief and I successfully stayed awake for 48 hours, fueling our bodies with Mountain Dew, and occasional Red Bull, and Nintendo. It was a test of endurance, persistence, and guile, and only Chief and I prevailed. And we did it the weekend before finals. I learned how to beat Super Mario 1 on the original NES, and Chief played Genghis Khan and Pirate’s Gold for about 12 hours apiece. The last half-hour was spent walking to and from Coffman Memorial Union, because if we didn’t keep our bodies in full motion, we would fall asleep. I specifically remember hallucinating and staring into space for minutes on end without realizing any time had passed. Quite possibly my crowning achievement, and certainly one of those things I will someday brag about to my kids.

Junior Year, 2004-2005:

Album: “SMiLE,” Brian Wilson

Film: Maria Full of Grace

Book: The Count of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas

Website: Metacritic

Class: Popular Music and Postmodernity

My junior year was the year of 21st birthdays. As Chief had departed for Madison (a move for which he will never be forgiven), mine was first on the calendar. Kristen Gillard, her roommate, and I headed to Liquor Lyle’s at the intersection of Hennepin and Franklin. Kristen quickly befriended the men around the bar, notified them of my special day, and pretty soon I was drinking free drink after free drink. To top it off, it was 2-for-1 night, so every nasty drink and shot came in a double dose. I don’t remember much of the night, but I do remember passing out on the kitchen floor and sleeping until 5 the next evening. I didn’t make it to class for two days.

Next up was Conor’s 21st, spent at the defunct Club H2O. Chief and I, now veteran of-agers, showed Conor how to down a drink, finishing the bulk of his $14 Incredible Hulk (A tumbler, half Hennessey, half Hypnotic, with a splash of Bacardi 151), and then ordering another. Conor vomited in a garbage bag at the bar, and Chief put the moves on Gillard.

Elliot’s 21st at Stub and Herb’s rounded out the celebrations (after Logan’s was held in Wassau over break). I don’t remember much from that night, aside from a crappy cover band, several games of darts and a missing Johan Santana jersey. It was returned.

Since we all could legally drink, many memories that I probably would have had are lost. In fact, most of those I could remember still involve drinking. The beer pong table really came into prominence, and we held our first beer pong tournament, which Adam and I won fair and square before being duped by less-drunk, jealousy-ridden players. I played beer pong on New Year’s Eve, three days after having my wisdom teeth removed. That about sums up how dedicated we were to the sport. All of us developed battle scars in the full contact event. Other things that happened: we held a poker night every Tuesday, Elliot and Chief engaged in a monumental screaming contest, participated in cable access television scrabble, and held a very successful Presidential Election party.

However, this year would prove to be the year of the Conor. He tried his hand in several relationships, each one proving less successful than the last. A New Year’s run-in with Chantelle never worked out. Gigli (Angela) stuck around for a bit, but eventually bowed out. He played with fire with Callie, whose STD rumors scared the entire house away. He finally settled on Shelby, a women’s tennis player. Everything seemed to be going fine, when all of a sudden she dumped him to concentrate on her spirituality. Dumped for God. We thought we’d heard all the excuses.

Conor endured various Sue B. finger paintings, pencil sketches, and all-out murals throughout the year. He tried valiantly to win a $100 no studying bet, and lost on a technicality, and because I didn’t have $100. It was a life lesson. His bed doubled as a toilet one fateful night. His head was gashed open by the staircase wall. The ‘Bishi broke down repeatedly, and was broken into several times. And he went through some of the worst ridiculing any human being has ever endured. Of course, the major influence in Conor’s life was crew. He never lived that down, and never will. But we still missed him when he left for Charlotte. His car broke down along the way.

Senior Year, 2005-2006:

Album: “Illinois,” Sufjan Stevens

Film: The Squid and the Whale

Book: Xenocide, Orson Scott Card

Website: Pitchfork Media

Class: Covering the Arts

My senior year was dominated by my semester in London, which will certainly prove to be one of the most memorable stages of my life. I mean, in less than 4 months, I visited 5 countries, 4 capital cities, Stonehenge, the Mediterranean, the Atlantic, the English Channel. I saw the Eiffel Tower, the Coloseum, the Vatican, the largest cathedral in the world (In Seville, Spain), the Guinness brewery, the legendary birthplace of King Arthur, the Louvre—that doesn’t even include all the things I saw and experienced daily in London. A fabulous whirlwind tour.

Things were happening stateside as well. I developed skills in several retro video games, including yahtzee, Arkanoid, Fire and Ice and Ninja Gaiden. I developed some serious grilling game—exploring such grilling foods as a quesadilla and a chili cheese dog. Senior year saw the development of the pee window (for when the bathroom is occupied on crazy weekend nights) and the punishing horn. We developed bar relationships with people known as “Crazy Jesse” and “First Base Girl.”

And we even tried to recreate the original Dew Fest. This time, armed with two dozen Tina’s burritos, including the pizza and chicken with green chili varieties, we created a four-television setup. We could simultaneously watch the NCAA tournament, anything else on TV, a movie, and play videogames, with Chief’s laptop showing an alternate NCAA game, acting as a fifth TV. We made nachos, ate spice drops and pistachios, and watched C.H.U.D. (Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers, starring Daniel Stern). It was the four day weekend dreams are made of.

Hopefully the memories won’t end here. But I’ll bet it’s gonna be hard to have another four-year stretch like this one. Thanks to everyone who made it happen, there are plenty of you who went unmentioned. Please continue trying to make it happen.