I'm alive

I think there should be a few, simple rules (not for dating my daughter) that everybody should live by. They came to me this afternoon at the local Great Clips. I'm inserting them into my life, and I am strongly recommending you do so as well. Number one. When I go to get my hair cut, if I'm creeped out by the stylists' haircuts, I'm leaving. I'm not sure how I'll pull it off. "Welcome to Great Clips, would you like a haircut today?" "Umm...you know, I guess I don't...really...need a...haircut today." Just walk away. Don't give them an opportunity to guilt you into getting a cut. This all came about because today I got my hair cut by a woman who still had middle-schoolish, out of control, heavily-rolled bangs. If you're having trouble picturing this look, just think of EVERY GIRL YOU WENT TO MIDDLE SCHOOL WITH. The next time I run into the big bang theory in Great Clips, I'm outta there. This can be applied laterally. Hence, if I'm getting my teeth cleaned by Grilly McGrillerson, the checkup is OVER. It's not that hard of a concept. The second rule is also easy, and should be applied in all facets of life. If you are somewhere where the people look like they just came out of either an NFL tailgate lot or a bass fishing tournament, and you're not at an NFL tailgate lot or a bass fishing tournament, split. You are the outcast.

Here's another thing I hate. Forced conversations between me and the person cutting my hair. Here is, word for word, how it went today.

"So did you have the day off Nils?"

Let me interrupt. She (Sabrina) ended every sentence with my name. I get it. You're trying to be personal. You know my name. Stop saying it.

"No I just got done with classes. I go to the U."

"Oh, what are you taking Nils?"

First of all, what does that even mean? Am I supposed to rattle off my entire class list? These are the questions you get from people who went to beauty school, sucked, and ended up at Great Clips.

"I'm studying journalism."

"Oh. Always a chance there. There's always going to be something there."

(Speechless)

Five minutes later.

"So do you live around here, Nils?"

"Yeah."

"Oh!"

God do I hate that.

Other things I hate. I hate when you're watching TV with someone else and he has control of the clicker (remote control for the lay person), and then that person leaves the room and you're left sitting on the other couch, with no way to change the channel. I HATE THAT.

People who don't claim their farts. It's natural, just admit it. Especially when they're good. Or in elevators.

People who are really good at things I'm not good at.

People who won't order pizza on a whim with me.

Don't be those people.