Answer the phone?

I've been caught in a moral quandry as of late. With my name in the hat for several jobs, my phone has been peppered with calls from unknown numbers. Usually, if I do not know the number, I won't answer, and hope the person leaves a message. However, with the increasing amount of puzzling zip codes (303 anyone?) reaching my phone, I'm tempted to answer. With my luck, the first unfamiliar call I answer will be someone recruiting me to be a sleazy financial advisor. Therefore, I think there should be a standard set of rules for answering an unknown caller.

Rule #1:

If the area code is from your hometown (with little liklihood of being an employer, and more likely to be a lost friend), answer it.

Rule #2:

If you don't know the area code, do not answer it. And-duh-if it's an 800 or 877 number, reject immediately.

Rule #3:

If it's a familiar area code, for me 612, 651, 763...let it burn. These numbers are more likely to leave a message.

Rule #4:

If they call back immediately, answer it.

Rule #5:

If you have a really annoying ring and like tormenting those around you by letting it ring forever, never answer your phone. Callbacks only.

Rule #6:

If you drop the phone while determining whether or not to answer it, you have five seconds to pick it up and answer it, otherwise you will have to drop your pants.

Rule #7:

If you know the number, and do not like the person calling, answer it and either say you have to run or that you can't hear them.

Rule #8:

If you think you are a kind person, and don't want to anger anyone, answer the phone on all occasions and suffer immeasurably.

Rule #9:

Always answer your mom.

Rule #10:

Cancel out rule #9 if rule #7 applies.


These rules should help clear up all confusion and any moral issues you might have when deciding to answer, or not to answer.


One TV show plug. Only every once in a while are we blessed with a program such as the Sci-Fi Channel's "Who Wants To Be A Superhero." It is a reality program featuring 12 people who turn into superheroes, each with their own chosen title. The heroes compete in superhero challenges to win their own comic book series. The hilarity of this show cannot be put into words, but after one hour you will feel much better about yourself, your hobbies, and everyone in your life that you previously considered crazy. These people are NUTS. It's possible, in fact, that "Major Victory" could be the greatest television character of all time. It's on tonight (Tuesday) at 10:05 and every Sunday night. Don't miss it.


Lastly. Remember when I discussed the sleeping pill Ambien and its strange binge-eating side-effects? Well, now there is a published diet for those taking the pill (This means you, mom). Good stuff.

Mid-year Music Review

It's been nearly two months since my last post, and I can't blame activity for the lapse. And try as I might, I can't even blame Hardee's Philly Cheesesteak ThickBurger, though I'd love to. I've simply led the dullest of lives, oscillating between the lake and the couch, stopping once in a while to make a buck. I have, therefore, had some time to digest this year's crop of music, and on the heels of Justin Timberlake's excruciating disappointing single, Sufjan Stevens' adequate collection of B-Sides and Thom Yorke's shrug-your-shoulderish debut album, I've decided to compile a mid-year list of bests.

Albums of the first half:

Tier 1: Gems
"The Life Pursuit," Belle & Sebastian: the finest sing-along licks of the year.
"Powder Burns," The Twilight Singers: a thick cut of juicy tunes that constantly pulse forward.
"Everything All the Time," Band of Horses: straightforward, but gets surprisingly more relevent with each listen.

Tier 2: Right on the Nose
"Mothers, Sisters, Daughters and Wives," Voxtrot: Only an EP, but solid throughout.
"Everything All the Time," Band of Horses: A collection of epics, carried by a unique voice and jingle-jangle guitars.
"Let's Get Out of This Country," Camera Obscura: The breakthrough album for B&S Scottish counterparts.
"Fox Confessor Brings the Flood," Neko Case: Best female vocal on the market.

Tier 3: Pleasant Discoveries
"Bang Bang Rock and Roll," Art Brut: A bitter Brit who talks you through his troubles.
"It's Never Been Like That," Phoenix: The next wave of catchy guitar action.
"Begin To Hope," Regina Spektor: Less-hyped than other female soloists (Case, Martha Wainwright, Fiona Apple), but nearly as clever and interesting.

Tier 4: One Album Away
"Destroyer's Rubies," Destroyer: Wade through the mess of decadence and you might find a song or two.
"Twelve Stops and Home," The Feeling: Prematurely anointed by me as the next Magic Numbers.
"The Warning," Hot Chip: For all your techno needs, look no further.
"Duper Sessions," Sondre Lerche: Get in touch with your acoustic self.

Tier 5: Slightly Askew Heavy Hitters
"At War With the Mystics," The Flaming Lips: A huge falloff from "Yoshimi..." but still worth the listen.
"St. Elsewhere," Gnarls Barkley: A great idea, a few great songs, but too many holes.
"3121," Prince: Return to his classic sound was fun, but he's lost a bit.

Tier 6: Too Early to Tell
"The Avalanche," Sufjan Stevens: Not a real album, per se, but a collection of B-Sides from "Illinois."
"The Eraser," Thom Yorke: This album may push my threshold for Yorke's "brilliance."
"Return To Cookie Mountain," TV On the Radio: From all indications, this could be solid (See: David Bowie cameo).


16 Songs to check out:

16. "Crazy," Gnarls Barkley: Only at 16 because, if you haven't heard it, stop hitting snooze. The song of the summer at this point.
15. "Fill My Little World," The Feeling: Another run-of-the-mill British pop-rock song with classic harmonies, power chords and dancing keyboards.
14. "European Oils," Destroyer: One of the more manageable tracks from the lengthy album.
13. "Paradise Here Abouts," Howe Gelb: A bluesy, gospelish jam sung in that sort of Edwin McCain speaking voice style, only not so terrible unlistenable.
12. "The Majestic Suffix," Danielson: Hard to imagine a voice this terrible can be making records, but the orchestration makes up for it.
11. "Boy From School," Hot Chip: A magical jumble of beeps, doots, and weeowwowws.
10. "On the Radio," Regina Spektor: You tell me, is this Fiona Apple singing?
9. "Lolita," Prince: A classic sexy Prince jam, but a PG one.
8. "Emily Kane," Art Brut: Frenetic, punky guitar accompanied by awkward, desperate-to-rhyme lyrics. Somehow, this works.
7. "Consolation Prizes," Phoenix: Probably not the best tune on this upbeat disc, but there's something to be said about a song that coats your brain.
6. "Mothers, Sisters, Daughters & Wives," Voxtrot: Think Coldplay with an edge. That's the best I can do.
5. "The Great Salt Lake," Band of Horses: A monster song, strong beat.
4. "Hold On, Hold On," Neko Case: A beautifully sung alt-country song with terrific vocal lines.
3. "Goin' On," The Flaming Lips: A predictable chord progression surprises, and Wayne Coyne delivers his best vocal performance of the millennium.
2. "Sukie In the Graveyard," Belle & Sebastian: Much like the #1 song, multiple songs from the album could have been chosen, but this one grooves the smoothest.
1. "There's Been An Accident," The Twilight Singers: A clinic in building a song through layering and anticipation. The pressure rises by the second before finally exploding in a moment of gut-wrenching power.


If you have any music recommendations, please give them to me. I'll be updating soon.

one quick thing

If I were to rank my biggest pet peeves, and I'm not about to go through that process, it might look something like this:

1. Bottled water
2. The phrase "pet peeve"
3. Late blinkers
4. Over-ambitious fast food menus

It's the fourth that's bugging me this week. Didn't we learn anything from Burger King's taco attempt? McDonalds' brief experiment with the bratwurst? Do what you do best. If I want a burger, I'll go to a burger place. If I want Mexican, I'll go to a taco bar. If I want a sub sandwich, I'll head to those establishments. I don't want confusion, I don't want overlapping. Period. Two restaurants have recently tested me. Arby's infraction is a bit more forgiveable, because to my knowledge, no fast food restaurant has previously tried a roast beef gyro. But somehow the reasoning behind that avoidance slipped the minds of the Arby's people. A roast beef gyro from Arby's sounds vomit in a pita. There's just no reason for this.

The second is more alarming, and it is brought to us by Hardees, the same people whose Monster Burger and variations caused more heart attacks than any other fast food menu option in history. Hardees has two new head-shaking menu items: the beer battered fish sandwich, and the TACO SALAD. I'm sure that reheated-from-frozen beer batter taste holds extremely well. And a taco salad? Not only is the taco salad on the menu, but it is heavily advertised on the restauant sign. You know how you feel when you get so worked up over something that the emotions clog any words you might possibly barf out? That's what this development induces in me. I simply cannot do my feelings justice with the words provided to me by the English language.

a trip

I knew I wasn't prepared for my college years to end. It's hard to come to the point in your life where the greatest years of your life, as I've heard from countless people in my days, are over. And it's hard to refute those assertions. I would never leave if I had the choice: never leave 1212 Como, never leave Dinkytown, the east bank, the Gopher Express, the rec, Williams Arena, the campus connectors, the mall. This sensation is unlike any other I've felt, and I feel weird writing this sentimentally. I don't think I could adequately sum up the experiences I've had in my four years here, so instead of trying, I'm going to recount some of my favorite memories from 264 Frontier Hall, 3025 Argyle, 1212 Como and the surrounding areas.


Freshman Year, 2002-2003:

My favorite:

Album: “Let Go,” Nada Surf

Film: Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Book: Heart of Darkness, Joseph Conrad

Website: Addicting Games

Class: Italian 1001

I came to the U with my roommate, Andrew Aleckson, and his two friends, Elliot Esch and Conor Leonard, all thinking I was some weird European foreign exchange student. It was a difficult hurdle to clear at first. I took geology ("Rocks for Jocks") and met my first college crush, Karen H. Kleinspehn, Esquire. Don't be fooled by the website, her middle initial is H.

I was introduced to life in the Superblock--sand volleyball, the infamous Superblock smell, annoying dorm themes (Our homecoming theme was superheroes and Frontier honored the "real" superheroes--teachers, police officers, firefighters...we stole the astronaut and plastered him on our room door. The Astronaut, the real American hero, of course.) The winter brought us the snowball fight of my lifetime, where I got drilled in the eye and Chief lost his keys.

I ate almost exclusively from the two Superblock dining halls, in Centennial and Pioneer. I fell in love with the food instantly; the salad bar, the ice cream, fountain pop, grilled cheese and burgers everyday, and the late night taco bar every tuesday. Unfortunately, that love waned after the first week. I'm still recovering. And how could we forget the Hot Semen Geyser (HSG) that greeted us as we injected our trays into Centennial's dishwashing compartments. Forever seared into my nostrils.

There are the sports memories too: Chief's lacrosse games, riding in the aisle of the school bus that took us to the Gopher football games, winning the hockey national championship, Bill Raftery guaranteeing us the Gophers would make the NCAA tournament (we didn't) after Michael Bauer hit a buzzer-beating three-pointer to beat Georgia. But one memory stands out; it was the Saturday before the second semester began, and everyone had just gotten back from winter break. The Gophers were playing Purdue, who was ranked at the time. Williams Arena was electric, and we absolutely demolished them. I think the score was 90-69 or something like that. I had never seen a beating like that. It was the first time I can remember being excited to be at college. In there, among the crazed students, felt so good. It's a memory that still gives me chills.

I played Liz (cards) with Mary Malone, Megan Oleson, Nolan McGraw, Tyler Johnson, Elliot, and Conor. I first learned of Susan B. and how much fun it was to reference her as much as possible. I learned how to take the bus to St. Thomas (the short way and the long way) and got my first ride in Conor’s ‘Bishi (to the midnight screening of the Matrix: Reloaded).

But the best part about my freshman year was undoubtedly my introduction to Chief. I shaved his head with a straight razor (that will strengthen any relationship), cared for him when he fell out of bed and peed his pants, and helped him haul his 6-foot tall wooden totem pole onto the campus connector and across campus to our room. We bonded over sports, our 6-foot pile of garbage, and the Knife Collector’s Show. We watched MXC when it was still hip, caught mid-afternoon reruns of the World’s Strongest Men and ended most nights by watching Conan. Chief named his first bathroom (“The Bat Cave”) and serenaded a stuffed Homer Simpson doll with David Gray’s “Babylon.” He introduced me to Barry Manilow, Axe body spray and Fletch (which we watched every night for 2 weeks). Traditions such as the Star Wars marathon and the Finals Week Mustache started.

Sophomore Year, 2003-2004:

Album: “The Love Below,” Andre 3000

Film: For the sake of variety, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (It’s really LOTR: Return of the King

Book: The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams

Website: Movies.com

Class: Italy Through Film

In the fall of 2003, Chief, Elliot, Conor and I moved to Argyle House, where we locked down Apartment 3025. By the end of the year, I was told, Argyle would be one giant party house. Didn’t happen. We may have alienated ourselves from the rest of the community with our intense love of Jack’s Mexican Pizzas, fish portions, ethnic juices (juego de coco, tamarind juice), jalopy (an invented mix of green alcoholic beverages) and sasquatch food (a blended mix of leftover hamburger, pizza, buns and ketchup). It tastes even better than it sounds. And we did more than just eat food. Chief’s ice cream birthday cake landed on Conor’s face, Elliot’s burning pot pie spilled on his hand, the mega-size bottle of ketchup ended up all over the kitchen floor, the bottle of syrup spread all over Conor’s desk, the bag of flour was dumped on Conor as he showered, the green olive juice added into Chief’s shampoo. The food memory that stands out the most is the Thanksgiving dinner we cooked. We made it all, including a stuffed turkey, and capped the night off with a showing of “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles,” a Thanksgiving classic. One of the ten most memorable events of the four years.

Sophomore year was the year we debuted the beer pong table, which is still going strong today. It was the year the Gophers football team beat Wisconsin on a last-second Rhys Lloyd field goal. We woke up at 6 a.m. that morning to the blaring sound of Wham!’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.” Chief puked on the walk to the game. It was a year in which we held weekly movie nights, complemented usually by chicken fajitas or Conor’s “goodness.” It was a year in which we shared our kitchen with the all-seeing, all-knowing eel, who lived in our sink and was known to scavenge for unattended ice cream. Countless hours that year were spent playing fooseball (I beat Conor in a best of 19 series, 10 games to 9) or hallway golf (the long halls provided for several improbable holes-in-one.) The public bathrooms didn’t go unnamed, either. The men’s was coined The Sanctuary, the women’s, “The Secret Garden.”

Sophomore year was also the year Conor uttered this infamous quote about Outkast: “They’re weird, but they have a lot of sex, so they’re cool.” Guess you had to be there.

Two memories stand out: late one night, as I was probably winding down by watching “Glitter” on HBO, Chief barged through the door. “I got a Mike’s!” he yelled, slamming his recently-acquired sub sandwich on the floor. The aggression sent him off balance, and he grasped for anything he could, eventually grabbing the recliner and dragging it with him to the ground. The funniest five seconds of my life.

But the lasting memory of my years was the 48-hour Dew Fest, in which Chief and I successfully stayed awake for 48 hours, fueling our bodies with Mountain Dew, and occasional Red Bull, and Nintendo. It was a test of endurance, persistence, and guile, and only Chief and I prevailed. And we did it the weekend before finals. I learned how to beat Super Mario 1 on the original NES, and Chief played Genghis Khan and Pirate’s Gold for about 12 hours apiece. The last half-hour was spent walking to and from Coffman Memorial Union, because if we didn’t keep our bodies in full motion, we would fall asleep. I specifically remember hallucinating and staring into space for minutes on end without realizing any time had passed. Quite possibly my crowning achievement, and certainly one of those things I will someday brag about to my kids.

Junior Year, 2004-2005:

Album: “SMiLE,” Brian Wilson

Film: Maria Full of Grace

Book: The Count of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas

Website: Metacritic

Class: Popular Music and Postmodernity

My junior year was the year of 21st birthdays. As Chief had departed for Madison (a move for which he will never be forgiven), mine was first on the calendar. Kristen Gillard, her roommate, and I headed to Liquor Lyle’s at the intersection of Hennepin and Franklin. Kristen quickly befriended the men around the bar, notified them of my special day, and pretty soon I was drinking free drink after free drink. To top it off, it was 2-for-1 night, so every nasty drink and shot came in a double dose. I don’t remember much of the night, but I do remember passing out on the kitchen floor and sleeping until 5 the next evening. I didn’t make it to class for two days.

Next up was Conor’s 21st, spent at the defunct Club H2O. Chief and I, now veteran of-agers, showed Conor how to down a drink, finishing the bulk of his $14 Incredible Hulk (A tumbler, half Hennessey, half Hypnotic, with a splash of Bacardi 151), and then ordering another. Conor vomited in a garbage bag at the bar, and Chief put the moves on Gillard.

Elliot’s 21st at Stub and Herb’s rounded out the celebrations (after Logan’s was held in Wassau over break). I don’t remember much from that night, aside from a crappy cover band, several games of darts and a missing Johan Santana jersey. It was returned.

Since we all could legally drink, many memories that I probably would have had are lost. In fact, most of those I could remember still involve drinking. The beer pong table really came into prominence, and we held our first beer pong tournament, which Adam and I won fair and square before being duped by less-drunk, jealousy-ridden players. I played beer pong on New Year’s Eve, three days after having my wisdom teeth removed. That about sums up how dedicated we were to the sport. All of us developed battle scars in the full contact event. Other things that happened: we held a poker night every Tuesday, Elliot and Chief engaged in a monumental screaming contest, participated in cable access television scrabble, and held a very successful Presidential Election party.

However, this year would prove to be the year of the Conor. He tried his hand in several relationships, each one proving less successful than the last. A New Year’s run-in with Chantelle never worked out. Gigli (Angela) stuck around for a bit, but eventually bowed out. He played with fire with Callie, whose STD rumors scared the entire house away. He finally settled on Shelby, a women’s tennis player. Everything seemed to be going fine, when all of a sudden she dumped him to concentrate on her spirituality. Dumped for God. We thought we’d heard all the excuses.

Conor endured various Sue B. finger paintings, pencil sketches, and all-out murals throughout the year. He tried valiantly to win a $100 no studying bet, and lost on a technicality, and because I didn’t have $100. It was a life lesson. His bed doubled as a toilet one fateful night. His head was gashed open by the staircase wall. The ‘Bishi broke down repeatedly, and was broken into several times. And he went through some of the worst ridiculing any human being has ever endured. Of course, the major influence in Conor’s life was crew. He never lived that down, and never will. But we still missed him when he left for Charlotte. His car broke down along the way.

Senior Year, 2005-2006:

Album: “Illinois,” Sufjan Stevens

Film: The Squid and the Whale

Book: Xenocide, Orson Scott Card

Website: Pitchfork Media

Class: Covering the Arts

My senior year was dominated by my semester in London, which will certainly prove to be one of the most memorable stages of my life. I mean, in less than 4 months, I visited 5 countries, 4 capital cities, Stonehenge, the Mediterranean, the Atlantic, the English Channel. I saw the Eiffel Tower, the Coloseum, the Vatican, the largest cathedral in the world (In Seville, Spain), the Guinness brewery, the legendary birthplace of King Arthur, the Louvre—that doesn’t even include all the things I saw and experienced daily in London. A fabulous whirlwind tour.

Things were happening stateside as well. I developed skills in several retro video games, including yahtzee, Arkanoid, Fire and Ice and Ninja Gaiden. I developed some serious grilling game—exploring such grilling foods as a quesadilla and a chili cheese dog. Senior year saw the development of the pee window (for when the bathroom is occupied on crazy weekend nights) and the punishing horn. We developed bar relationships with people known as “Crazy Jesse” and “First Base Girl.”

And we even tried to recreate the original Dew Fest. This time, armed with two dozen Tina’s burritos, including the pizza and chicken with green chili varieties, we created a four-television setup. We could simultaneously watch the NCAA tournament, anything else on TV, a movie, and play videogames, with Chief’s laptop showing an alternate NCAA game, acting as a fifth TV. We made nachos, ate spice drops and pistachios, and watched C.H.U.D. (Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers, starring Daniel Stern). It was the four day weekend dreams are made of.

Hopefully the memories won’t end here. But I’ll bet it’s gonna be hard to have another four-year stretch like this one. Thanks to everyone who made it happen, there are plenty of you who went unmentioned. Please continue trying to make it happen.

Some free time

There aren't many worse things in life than showing up for class (a class you hadn't been to in a week and a half) and having your professor not show up. This, my friends, is not worth missing Family Feud. I did, however, successfully turn in my six-page paper on the iPod. Not only was it six pages, but I had nine sources, and didn't check Wikipedia once. Let me tell you, it's a good thing the U of M hasn't implemented the iPod as a way for students to download and replay lectures, because I'm not sure I would have gone outside for anything other than a Chipotle burrito or a snow emergency (which burned me anyway this year). Anyway, I thought I could use the free time to bring up a few things that have been on my mind.

There are certain days throughout a man's life that remain embedded in the fiber of his soul forever. These days form a sort of evolutionary map of his life, highlighting the moments he most cherishes. (Side note-I've always had to do a double take on the world "highlight." It just doesn't look right. The double "gh" combo is not very aesthetic.) Back to the days. I have several of these days, some of which you're familiar with, such as the day I decided to say "yes" to onions on my hamburger. That's day number one. There is also the day I held my breath in a bucket of ice water for 45 seconds in science class: I still remember my pulse afterward--36 beats per minute. That's day two. Days three, four and five: The day I pulled the authentic Doug Flutie jersey card out of a pack of football cards. The day I ran a sub-six-minute mile. And, of course, the day the music died. Until last week, those were the five days that best map out my life up to this point. All of them, I might add, occurred more than five years ago. I was in a slump. And then, last Thursday happened. On that morning, the morning of March 30, the Gillette Fusion razor entered my life.

We thought five blades would never happen. In fact, a few years ago it was joke(caution: TVMA: Language). But now, with Gillette Fusion, five blades is a reality. Along with the five-blade shaving surface technology, you also get the precision trimmer. This truly is the best a man can get.


More random notes:

If any of you are having sleeping problems, don't take Ambien, unless you want to have eating problems instead. Read this article about a study that linked Ambien to subconcious, mid-night eating binges.

End all searches now, the worst name in the history of names has been revealed. Jent.

In my covering the arts class, every Monday one student has the opportunity to be "DJ for a day." The student brings in music he has been listening to recently, and talks about why he likes the artist. Then the class weighs in, trying to come up with a library of descriptive words we might use in a review of the band. The semester got off to a fun start, with students bringing in music from blues legend Robert Johnson, a German band called 13 and God, and some traditional Turkish folk music. This is going to be interesting, I thought, as I hoped to discover some new artists. Well, one could say that the DJs have taken a turn for the worse. The last three weeks have gone as follows: the Backstreet Boys, O.A.R., Journey. "Here, I'll play you my favorite song," the girl said yesterday. When I heard the opening chords of "Don't Stop Believin'," ("Just a small town girl, living in a loooonely world..."), I knew we were in trouble. We later learned that the fan had just discovered them LAST SUMMER at, predictably, a state fair. In all fairness, Journey is a step up from say, Starship. I'm already looking forward to the next crappy genre the class will tackle, probably crappy Christian-rap-rock hybrid. P.O.D. anyone?

Here are a few movies I'm looking forward to, for various reasons. I've linked previews, stories, and clips to each movie.


Slither Click on "verify your age" to see this clip, but get the bucket ready.
Snakes On A PlaneClick on the green "Watch" button.
Nacho LibreClick on "Play" under Trailer.
Darkon
The Da Vinci CodeClick on "Play" under Trailer 2
Finally, a Simpsons movie?


Those are some of the things I'm keeping an eye on this spring. You might want to do so yourself.

Here It Is: The Annual 100

Before I get to the list, I thought I could help all of you who about this time of year start to feel a little stressed out. I was recently presented with a cure, and I would like to share it with everyone.

Now that you all know how you can de-stress, let's get to the goods. Well, a couple more things.

If you're bored, here's an activity. Sit outside, in a well-traversed area, and watch the faces of runners as they go by. Quite entertaining actually, and it looks like a lot of people need to quit trying to be runners and start a career in facial-expression-shirt modeling. You know, those ones with the yellow faces that illustrate a myriad of emotions? Models for those. I mean, there are hand models, right?

A couple TV shows to recommend: If you're looking for an hour of pure entertainment, and also want to reassure yourself that you are indeed sane, check out Bravo's "Blow Out." It follows hairstylist Johnathon Anton and his Beverly Hills salons, and the guy is a complete whack job. It's on Tuesday nights at 8 and re-run constantly. If you're looking for an hour of social commentary and a glimpse at closet bigotry in the U.S., look into FX's "Black. White." The concept has been tried before: a white family and black family get plastered in makeup to disguise themselves as members of the opposite race. You won't believe some of the things that the white dad, Bruno, has to say. Wednesday nights at 9.

A few quick songs to check out that are too recent to make the top 100:

"The Great Salt Lake," Band of Horses
"European Oils," Destroyer
"Yeah Yeah Yeah Song," The Flaming Lips
"Crazy," Gnarles Barkley
"Maple Leaves (7" Version)," Jens Lekman
"Era Prison," The Joggers
"Hold On, Hold On," Neko Case
"Incense and Candles," Prince
"This Scene Is Dead," We Are Scientists

Now is the time. My 100 favorite songs of all time. I used to call it the 100 greatest songs of all time, but I'm not sure if I can call it that.

100. "Politik," Coldplay
99. "Stars of Track and Field," Belle & Sebastian
98. "Me and Mia," Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
97. "Please Please Me," The Beatles
96. "Lullabye," Ben Folds Five
95. "Wishful Thinking," Wilco
94. "Every Day I Write the Book," Elvis Costello
93. "Birdhouse In Your Soul," They Might Be Giants
92. "Une Annee Sans Lumiere," The Arcade Fire
91. "Your Little Hoodrat Friend," The Hold Steady
90. "Jeremy," Pearl Jam
89. "I Don't Know What It Is," Rufus Wainwright
88. "Debra," Beck
87. "Little Red Corvette," Prince
86. "Faithful," Common
85. "Sweetness Follows," R.E.M.
84. "Sir Duke," Stevie Wonder
83. "No Surprises," Radiohead
82. "Tymps (The Sick In the Head Song)," Fiona Apple
81. "Elderly Woman Behind the Counter In A Small Town," Pearl Jam
80. "Ten Minutes," The Get Up Kids
79. "Yesterday," The Beatles
78. "Jesus, Etc.," Wilco
77. "7," Prince
76. "I Believe When I Fall In Love (It Will Be Forever)," Stevie Wonder
75. "Long Goodnight," The Get Up Kids
74. "I'm Waiting For the Day," The Beach Boys
73. "Your Song," Elton John
72. "Born To Run," Bruce Springsteen
71. "Elternal Flame," The Bangles
70. "Out of Reach," The Get Up Kids
69. "Pounding," The Doves
68. "With Or Without You," U2
67. "More Than This," Roxy Music
66. "Outta My Head," Fastball
65. "Scottish Fiction," Idlewild
64. "Letter From An Occupant," The New Pornographers
63. "I Would Die 4 U," Prince
62. "On the Table," A.C. Newman
61. "Mass Pike," The Get Up Kids
60. "The Luckiest," Ben Folds
59. "The Dreaming Tree," Dave Matthews Band
58. "Rebellion (Lies)," The Arcade Fire
57. "Good Vibrations," Brian Wilson
56. "We Major," Kanye West
55. "Casimir Pulaski Day," Sufjan Stevens
54. "Pig," Dave Matthews Band
53. "Wonderful," Brian Wilson
52. "Billie Jean," Michael Jackson
51. "Stairway To Heaven," Led Zeppelin
50. "Golden Slumbers/Carry That Weight/The End," The Beatles
49. "A Kiss At the End of the Rainbow," Mitch and Mickey
48. "For Once In My Life," Stevie Wonder
47. "Where the Streets Have No Name," U2
46. "Jane," Ben Folds Five
45. "Let Down," Radiohead
44. "Gone," Kanye West
43. "Wanna Be Startin' Something," Michael Jackson
42. "Use It," The New Pornographers
41. "Everybody Hurts," R.E.M.
40. "Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown)," The Beatles
39. "2+2=5," Radiohead
38. "Army," Ben Folds Five
37. "Blizzard of '77," Nada Surf
36. "John Wayne Gacy, Jr.," Sufjan Stevens
35. "Neighborhood #4 (7 Kettles)," The Arcade Fire
34. "Falling," Ben Kweller
33. "Step Into My Office Baby," Belle & Sebastian
32. "Still," Elvis Costello
31. "Surf's Up," Brian Wilson
30. "Pantala Naga Pampa/Rapunzel," Dave Matthews Band
29. "Do You Realize?" The Flaming Lips
28. "You Still Believe In Me," The Beach Boys
27. "Lately," Stevie Wonder
26. "Hey Ya!" Outkast
25. "As," Stevie Wonder
24. "Human Nature," Michael Jackson
23. "Crown of Love," The Arcade Fire
22. "Wouldn't It Be Nice," The Beach Boys
21. "Life On Mars," David Bowie
20. "Here, There and Everywhere," The Beatles
19. "The Way You Wear Your Head," Nada Surf
18. "I'll Catch You," The Get Up Kids
17. "The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out To Get Us," Sufjan Stevens
16. "At the Stars," Better Than Ezra
15. "The Stone," Dave Matthews Band
14. "The Beautiful Ones," Prince
13. "One," U2
12. "Purple Rain," Prince
11. "Caroline, No," The Beach Boys
10. "Don't Change Your Plans," Ben Folds Five
9. "Fake Plastic Trees," Radiohead
8. "The Last Stop," Dave Matthews Band
7. "Poor Places," Wilco
6. "In the Backseat," The Arcade Fire
5. "Anne Arbour," The Get Up Kids
4. "Paranoid Android," Radiohead
3. "Anna Stesia," Prince
2. "God Only Knows," The Beach Boys
1. "#41," Dave Matthews Band


Some pretty heavy changeover this year. I'm not sure how long DMB can hold off the competition. Case in point: according to my iPod, I've played 4 times in the last 7 months. In contrast, "God Only Knows" stands at 11. Watch for joggers.

96 hours of glory

Picture this: I'm sitting on my living room couch typing this, and in front of me I have 4 TVs. To the far left, Chief is playing Ninja Gaiden on Nintendo. We can't beat level 4-1, if anyone wants to help. On the main TV, we just finished watching Alabama beat Marquette in the first round of the NCAA tournament. To my right, there are two TVs stacked on top of each other. The top one is on ESPN at all times, to catch highlights of other games and sports, and the bottom one is reserved for Playstation 2/Xbox/movies. In the center of all this is our coffee table, covered with all the amenities I plan on needing this weekend. (Yes, I consider this the weekend). On the table we have dozens of Nintendo games (the ones we've taken out of the boxfull below the table), four-to-five remote controls, pistachios, spice drops, a few bags of chips, salsa, salsa con queso, Mountain Dew, trail mix and pita chips. It's a nice array. Not to mention the 50 cans of Dew we have in the fridge and the 25-30 frozen burritos in the freezer. I don't plan on moving that much this weekend. (Yes, I consider this the weekend).

I've decided, after much deliberation, that my favorite office product is the staple remover. Often forgotten about, but never disappointing. It just comes through when you need it.

In my days at the Gopher Express convenience store and the Coffman Memorial Union Post Office, I've heard some dumb questions. "Do you sell stamps here?" "Can I mail a package?" "Why don't you shave more consistently?" But this week I heard the ultimate. A kid cautiously approached me, Little Debbie in hand, and meekly asked "Do you guys accept cash?" And I hate people that assume that I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Like yesterday, I had a guy who tallied a bill of $1.06. He couldn't find a nickel, so he gave me $1.11. Then he says, "Here, I'll just give you $1.11 and you can give me a nickel back." Are you sure? Because usually I don't give change. And also, we don't accept cash.

I realized this week that two of the country's big questions have the same answer. Question 1: why is the country as a whole becoming fatter? Question 2: How is the economy thriving? The answer to both, I learned in a four-hour shift at the Gopher Express, is high school students. High school students invaded the union for some French competition, and proceeded to spend every penny they had on junk food and more junk food. Kids were spending ten bucks on candy bars, emptying our selection of Hot Pockets, and giving me a headache I hadn't felt in a long time.

Along the same lines, I heard a term this week I hadn't previously heard, and don't really want to become common: advanced obesity. It was brought up by a study done that showed that people who have their stomach stapled have a lesser risk of heart disease. Super. But "advanced obesity" sounds like it's something to strive for. If I see someone has completed "advanced Judo," I figure that's a pretty good thing. They're good at judo. But do we want to be pumping up obesity so that people strive to be advanced at it? Shouldn't we discourage people from wanting to be obese by giving it a harsher term, like maybe "near-death obesity?" Or how about "On-the-brink obesity?"

Last weekend I saw my first show since my return from Europe, a solid double bill of the New Pornographers and Belle & Sebastian. These are two fun bands, one Canadian and one Scottish, and are worth a listen. That's all I'll say about that.

I had my first full cup of coffee yesterday, simply because Starbucks had a "National Coffee Break Day" promotion where they gave away free cups. I had never had as much as two sips of coffee before downing my Grande Fair Trade. This proves the point that when Americans see or hear the word "free," no matter what it is, we will flock to it.

I'm alive

I think there should be a few, simple rules (not for dating my daughter) that everybody should live by. They came to me this afternoon at the local Great Clips. I'm inserting them into my life, and I am strongly recommending you do so as well. Number one. When I go to get my hair cut, if I'm creeped out by the stylists' haircuts, I'm leaving. I'm not sure how I'll pull it off. "Welcome to Great Clips, would you like a haircut today?" "Umm...you know, I guess I don't...really...need a...haircut today." Just walk away. Don't give them an opportunity to guilt you into getting a cut. This all came about because today I got my hair cut by a woman who still had middle-schoolish, out of control, heavily-rolled bangs. If you're having trouble picturing this look, just think of EVERY GIRL YOU WENT TO MIDDLE SCHOOL WITH. The next time I run into the big bang theory in Great Clips, I'm outta there. This can be applied laterally. Hence, if I'm getting my teeth cleaned by Grilly McGrillerson, the checkup is OVER. It's not that hard of a concept. The second rule is also easy, and should be applied in all facets of life. If you are somewhere where the people look like they just came out of either an NFL tailgate lot or a bass fishing tournament, and you're not at an NFL tailgate lot or a bass fishing tournament, split. You are the outcast.

Here's another thing I hate. Forced conversations between me and the person cutting my hair. Here is, word for word, how it went today.

"So did you have the day off Nils?"

Let me interrupt. She (Sabrina) ended every sentence with my name. I get it. You're trying to be personal. You know my name. Stop saying it.

"No I just got done with classes. I go to the U."

"Oh, what are you taking Nils?"

First of all, what does that even mean? Am I supposed to rattle off my entire class list? These are the questions you get from people who went to beauty school, sucked, and ended up at Great Clips.

"I'm studying journalism."

"Oh. Always a chance there. There's always going to be something there."

(Speechless)

Five minutes later.

"So do you live around here, Nils?"

"Yeah."

"Oh!"

God do I hate that.

Other things I hate. I hate when you're watching TV with someone else and he has control of the clicker (remote control for the lay person), and then that person leaves the room and you're left sitting on the other couch, with no way to change the channel. I HATE THAT.

People who don't claim their farts. It's natural, just admit it. Especially when they're good. Or in elevators.

People who are really good at things I'm not good at.

People who won't order pizza on a whim with me.

Don't be those people.

Songs of the Year (A bit late)

I had meant to post this upon my return to Minneapolis, but my computer is broken, so things have been stalled. Luckily, I have hijacked a University of Minnesota School of Journalism computer to complete my mandatory end-of-the-year list. Plus, the extra couple weeks allowed me to better formulate my ranking and weed out the songs that I listened to in London simply because I couldn't get at the real good stuff. (Hard-Fi, Goldfrapp, The Black Eyed Peas, you're out.)

Top 25 Songs of 2005 ["Song Title," Artist, (Album)]

25. "Fix You," Coldplay ("X&Y")--Although I didn't like the album, this song is nice. Simple, with a nice rising pulse throughout.
24. "Step Into the Light," The Clientele ("Strange Geometry")--Guitar hangs in the air, relaxing the mind and freeing the spirit...I just wanted to see how lame that sounded coming out of my mouth.
23. "The Bleeding Heart Show," The New Pornographers ("Twin Cinema")--You know I'm a sucker for group "Hey-Yas" at the end of any song.
22. "100 Degrees," The Shout Out Louds ("Howl Howl Gaff Gaff")--Funny because in MY room, it actually does hit 100 degrees. You'll have to listen to the song.
21. "Testify," Common ("Be")--For my money the best rapper out there, considering delivery, pace, accentuation and cadence.
20. "This Modern Love," Bloc Party ("Silent Alarm")--Anytime I get a chance to highlight a song featuring glockenspiels, I'm taking it.
19. "Girl," Beck (Guero)--I can't actually decide if this is my favorite track from a well-rounded CD with no standout songs, but the Nintendo-esque accompaniment makes a strong case.
18. "Diamonds From Sierra Leone (Remix)," Kanye West ("Late Registration")--Jay-Z adds a dimension of sincerity that Kanye can't quite reach alone.
17. "Chicago," Sufjan Stevens ("Illinois")--To write a song with this much orchestration is difficult enough; to play every instrument is ridiculous.
16. "These Are the Fables," The New Pornographers ("Twin Cinema")--A solid song until the key modulation and change from acoustic guitar to keyboards makes it a great song.
15. "Bottle Rocket," The Go! Team ("Thunder, Lightning, Strike")--Actually released in 2004, but it has to be included because you won't have more fun in 4 minutes. Great driving song.
14. "Extraordinary Machine," Fiona Apple ("Extraordinary Machine")--Long-awaited album delivers, especially on title track. Best female vocal out there.
13. "Trust Vs. Mistrust," The Spinto Band ("Nice and Nicely Done")--Anyone struggling to write a song should listen to this track; you can get it done with a simple chorus of "Ahh-Oohs."
12. "Roses," Kanye West ("Late Registration")--A clear indication of how much I missed vibes as an accompaniment in my popular music world.
11. "Casimir Pulaski Day," Sufjan Stevens ("Illinois")--A beautiful and poignant tribute to a dying loved one.
10. "Military Wives," The Decemberists ("Picaresque")--A little social commentary spliced with a horn section and some "La-Di-Das." Do I sense a theme?
9. "Faithful," Common ("Be")--The chorus-style ending with overlapping voices and hard-to-predict harmonies is a frenzied illustration of passionate commitment.
8. "Life On Mars," Seu Jorge ("The Life Aquatic Studio Sessions")--I'm normally not a huge fan of covers, but this Portuguese interpretation on a David Bowie classic is sparse, and spectacular.
7. "Your Little Hoodrat Friend," The Hold Steady ("Separation Sunday")--This (not really) Minnesotan band drew comparisons to Bruce Springsteen with this album--but who knows how many hoodrats the Boss was with.
6. "Gone," Kanye West ("Late Registration")--West's best rapping to date, and Cam'ron delivers as usual.
5. "Use It," The New Pornographers ("Twin Cinema")--There just isn't enough male/female harmony out there, and Carl Newman and Neko Case know how to "Use It" well. Wow, that was probably a new low for me.
4. "Wake Up," The Arcade Fire featuring David Bowie (iTunes download)--A good song from their 2004 release, "Funeral," this version gets a huge boost from Bowie's chilling vocals.
3. "John Wayne Gacy, Jr," Sufjan Stevens ("Illinois")--A sympathetic, at least musically, take on a serial killer. Makes you question how to read such a delicate song about such a terrible story. Stevens balances the light guitar with dissonant piano, struggling with the same question.
2. "We Major," Kanye West ("Late Registration")--The idea of a delayed hook-revealed over three minutes into the song-is brilliant. It allows the song to build, climax, rebuild with a new identity, and re-climax when West finally makes his entrance. A full-bodied song that doesn't overstay its six-plus minute welcome.
1. "The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out To Get Us!," Sufjan Stevens ("Illinois")--Absurd title, absurd subject, absurd musical ambition, amazing result. It's nearly impossible to single out each instrument, acknowledge the syncopation or understand the meaning of the lyrics, but getting lost in the mess is just as fun as conquering the musical structure.


So, as you may have guessed, my favorite albums from last year were "Illinois" by Sufjan Stevens, "Late Registration" by Kanye West, and "Twin Cinema" by the New Pornographers. Although I'm not a huge fan of hip hop, Common's work was spectacular, and Kanye West leaned more toward my pop music inclinations. Fiona Apple inspired me to look deeper into the realm of the solo female artist, and the "the" bands (Clientele, Decemberists, Go! Team, Hold Steady, Shout Out Louds, Spinto Band, others) demonstrated their supreme spawning ability.


I almost forgot. Worst song of the year? Let's just say it involves "lovely lady lumps." Check it out!

Paris in 36 hours

The last thing I expected to encounter in Paris, the most romantic city in the world, was mud. But mud did we find--rather, it found my jeans. OK, so maybe it was our fault for walking through the gravelish park during the rain, instead of sticking to the sidewalks, but nevertheless, Paris was muddy. And cold. And rainy. But you can't really complain about Paris.

Paid 8 Euros to see Mona Lisa, and thanks to some rubbish advice, only had an hour and a half to spend in the world's most famous art museum, the Louvre. We were outta there in 45 minutes...I mean, I've seen so much religious art in the last 2 months-from the Tate Britain, the National Gallery and the Wallace Collection here in London, to museums and churches all over Italy, I'm a little burnt out. It's gotten to the point where I'll walk by a painting and say "Looks like JC's doin his thing to JB again." That's right, I now feel comfortable calling John the Baptist 'JB.' And if I see his beheaded dome one more time...

One thing I loved about Paris was the music selection in restaurants. You'll get your overdramatic French man sensually whispering instead of singing, yes, but you'll also get some forgotten American classics that just seem to be hitting their stride overseas. For example, we were sitting down in a lovely restaurant late at night, eating onion soup and goat cheese salad, when all of a sudden, R. Kelly's "If I Could Turn Back the Hands of Time" came over the speakers. How could I not stand up and serenede the entire restaurant, impressing the patrons with my amazing English?

I was terrified of communicating in Paris because I literally didn't know a word of French. I subcounsiously could recall "oui," (but it usually came out "si") but didn't even know how to say hello or thank you. It was a disaster. Thankfully, everybody speaks English. Except, interestingly enough, for the employees at McDonalds. Yeah, so nobody told me that the 'e' was silent at the end of "grande," but I would think they could infer what I was trying to say. That was the second-worst communication mishap of my semester, only to another McDonalds, this one in Rome, where instead of a filet o fish they gave us a bag of fruit. And I even speak Italian a little--pesce, I say, pesce. Non la frutta.

Anyway, this will more than likely be my last post before I return to the states. My family will be here tomorrow, and we'll spend a few days in London before heading to Seville, Spain for 5 days. After that, we're coming back to London for New Years. I fly home January 3, and will need a ride from the airport. If anyone will be in the cities, please let me know and I'll buy you a souvenir if you can come get me. I'm not sure when my flight gets in but I think it's in the mid afternoon sometime.

Hope you've enjoyed reading these, I've enjoyed writing them. I'll continue the blog upon my return to the states, so please keep reading and tell your friends. This could be my career break! I look forward to telling stories and showing pictures (I will have over 1000 of them most likely), so please don't hesitate to call or email me. Cheers!