RDA
To anyone in search of a death-defying, twist-turning romp of a historical action flick, I can now end your search. For this very afternoon on BBC2, I came across a movie that changed my entire perspective of the Indiana Jones genre. I am embarrassed that it took me this long to discover a film that so seemlessly mixes myth with fact, legend with historical truth, while throwing in several jaw-dropping action sequences as a kicker. It soon will supplant "Big Trouble In Little China" as the most highly regarded action flick in my DVD collection. The film? Yup, you guessed it: "MacGyver: The Lost Treasure of Atlantis," starring, of course, Richard Dean Anderson.
A few things. Did anyone know that MacGyver had a first name? Does it even matter? Well he does, and it's Angus. Angus MacGyver. I can see why they went with MacGyver as the title. And did you know that RDA was born in Minneapolis? What a local hero, where's his statue? Secondly, how can this movie possibly be airing in the middle of the afternoon on the second largest television station in all of the United Kingdom? What, they don't have civil court shows or Ellen Degeneres? COPS at the very least please.
All of this leads me to this question: Is Richard Dean Anderson the best unintentionally comedic action hero of all time? I mean, he's totally unbelievable as a macho protector (see: haircut). There's no way RDA would be able to defeat any of the villains he encounters in battle. And the escapes he concocts out of nothing are laughable at best. This guy is a regular old hick who's good with some duct tape and a monkey wrench. And his name is emblazoned in the minds of the 80s generation forever? Somewhere, the entire staff at a local AutoZone is kicking themselves.
Ok guys. I want you all to listen very carefully. What I'm about to reveal may possibly be the most profound wisdom you have ever received. If you remember one thing I've written or will ever write, let it be this segment. Gents, this next section will be arguably the key to your success in life. And ladies, this information--which has just become available to me--is worth your noting as well.
The November edition of Maxim Magazine has provided its readers with magical, previously unreleased material. And while I'm by no means a religious Maxim reader, this edition could not be ignored. Inside, they tell us some of the most sacred, protected gold-mine information in the world: 100 Things You Never Knew About Women. And be sure that there is something to be learned from each and every item, but I chose only the 10 wisest to pass on to you, along with a few comments of my own. Boys, get your pens and paper ready.
No. 96: "Jewelry. Now you always know what to get her for a last minute gift." Oh! Jewelry! I hadn't even thought of that. Jewelry, it's just that easy.
No. 70: "Unless they're lesbians, she won't approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they're ugly. And, really, even if they're lesbians." Sorry ladies. You heard it, it's over between us all.
No. 61: "When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions." Don't even bother telling me them anymore now that I know that. I'll just let you suffer like you apparently want to.
No. 51: "Don't call her 'cute.' In her mind it's the same as 'not vomit-inducing.'" It might be difficult to change this habit.
No. 41: "If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn't mean she doesn't care about someone else's opinion." Now I'm a little concerned, this has happened to me.
No. 32: "Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they're hovering above the toilet in a squat." Wow! What amazingly thorough reporting they must have done for this feature! Now I know to cancel that reservation at the four-star hotel for our Paris trip. Actually, three girls just verified this one for me. I don't really know what to say. Maxim might actually be gaining credibility.
No. 29: "On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat." Why would they? I mean, I know I don't.
No. 26: "Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice." I really don't even know what to say about this one.
No. 17: "Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy." Phew, I was wondering if I'd made a mistake by lying all these years.
No. 11: "She likes one of your friends." Who wrote this list, Shakespeare? I guess that's probably not funny to anyone not in my Shakespeare class right now. Oh well.
As you can see, this list is pure gold. Take it and run boys. You should be able to go pretty far.
A few things. Did anyone know that MacGyver had a first name? Does it even matter? Well he does, and it's Angus. Angus MacGyver. I can see why they went with MacGyver as the title. And did you know that RDA was born in Minneapolis? What a local hero, where's his statue? Secondly, how can this movie possibly be airing in the middle of the afternoon on the second largest television station in all of the United Kingdom? What, they don't have civil court shows or Ellen Degeneres? COPS at the very least please.
All of this leads me to this question: Is Richard Dean Anderson the best unintentionally comedic action hero of all time? I mean, he's totally unbelievable as a macho protector (see: haircut). There's no way RDA would be able to defeat any of the villains he encounters in battle. And the escapes he concocts out of nothing are laughable at best. This guy is a regular old hick who's good with some duct tape and a monkey wrench. And his name is emblazoned in the minds of the 80s generation forever? Somewhere, the entire staff at a local AutoZone is kicking themselves.
Ok guys. I want you all to listen very carefully. What I'm about to reveal may possibly be the most profound wisdom you have ever received. If you remember one thing I've written or will ever write, let it be this segment. Gents, this next section will be arguably the key to your success in life. And ladies, this information--which has just become available to me--is worth your noting as well.
The November edition of Maxim Magazine has provided its readers with magical, previously unreleased material. And while I'm by no means a religious Maxim reader, this edition could not be ignored. Inside, they tell us some of the most sacred, protected gold-mine information in the world: 100 Things You Never Knew About Women. And be sure that there is something to be learned from each and every item, but I chose only the 10 wisest to pass on to you, along with a few comments of my own. Boys, get your pens and paper ready.
No. 96: "Jewelry. Now you always know what to get her for a last minute gift." Oh! Jewelry! I hadn't even thought of that. Jewelry, it's just that easy.
No. 70: "Unless they're lesbians, she won't approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they're ugly. And, really, even if they're lesbians." Sorry ladies. You heard it, it's over between us all.
No. 61: "When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions." Don't even bother telling me them anymore now that I know that. I'll just let you suffer like you apparently want to.
No. 51: "Don't call her 'cute.' In her mind it's the same as 'not vomit-inducing.'" It might be difficult to change this habit.
No. 41: "If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn't mean she doesn't care about someone else's opinion." Now I'm a little concerned, this has happened to me.
No. 32: "Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they're hovering above the toilet in a squat." Wow! What amazingly thorough reporting they must have done for this feature! Now I know to cancel that reservation at the four-star hotel for our Paris trip. Actually, three girls just verified this one for me. I don't really know what to say. Maxim might actually be gaining credibility.
No. 29: "On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat." Why would they? I mean, I know I don't.
No. 26: "Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice." I really don't even know what to say about this one.
No. 17: "Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy." Phew, I was wondering if I'd made a mistake by lying all these years.
No. 11: "She likes one of your friends." Who wrote this list, Shakespeare? I guess that's probably not funny to anyone not in my Shakespeare class right now. Oh well.
As you can see, this list is pure gold. Take it and run boys. You should be able to go pretty far.
posted by Kristie at 3:19 PM
1 Comments:
OK. Good list, but I must object with a few of these claims. First, not all chicks dig jewelery. I for one think diamonds suck and would not trust others in picking out a necklace for me.
Second, black licorice. Eww. While I enjoy Jagermeister (a little too much), I would not chew a stick of Black Jack for under $5.
Lastly, lots of girls look hot with short hair. Cutting hair means nothing.
Just had to clear that up. But you are totally correct about the hovering - toilet seats are gross. By the way, how did you enjoy the hole-in-floor style latrines in Italy? They aren't exactly made for the ladies.
Hope you are doing swell - swill some cider for me :)
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