A Valbowski of Ordinary Gentlemen

Found it. Drop for drop, Kwik Trip guarantees that their gasoline is the finest on the planet. Get this--if you have a gasoline-related car problem on a tank of Kwik Trip gasoline, they will pay to fix it. Here's my question: how can you prove your gas was from Kwik Trip? So you have a receipt that says you bought $20 in gas yesterday. But what if you drove to Wichita and back last night? What if you siphoned the gas into your city's giant lawnmower? What if you poisoned Conor's Nalgene with it? I just don't think this can be proven, which is why I will always claim my gas came from Kwik Trip when I have gasoline-related car problems. What? I paid in cash, no receipt, no record of the transaction--it's almost worth doing on purpose. Read up ladies and gents.
http://www.kwiktrip.com/m_whoweare/f_gasoline/aboutktgasoline.asp


So here's the deal. I am at St. Olaf tonight because my girlfriend Kristie is graduating tomorrow. I am sober, she is not. She is engaging right now in a conversation with a friend's sister, who she just met today. I will now transcribe part of their conversation to illustrate how ridiculous drunken conversations sound when you are sober. Let's dive in.

Savannah (Other girl): "No, I mean I'm totally a humanitarian at heart."
Kristie: "Yeah, wow."
S: "Do you wanna go to Austin's room?"
K: "Yeah, but I gotta pee first"
S: "Hell yeah, I gotta pee too"
K: "I have to put some hair product in. See my new shoes right there? I love them"
S: "They're pink"

Damn, they quit talking. I swear, if this computer hadn't shut down during the middle of this conversation, you all would be rolling on the ground. Maybe I'll check back later with some highlights from the night.

Cinderella Valbowski

After a little deliberation, I have decided that my concert ranking was a little off. It felt wrong at the time, and it still feels wrong now to put Brian Wilson and SMiLE behind Prince and Dave Matthews Band, so I am elevating that show to the best I've seen. There really is no comparison.

Let's talk about Sun Chips. They have three flavors, to the best of my knowledge: Original, French Onion and Harvest Cheddar. Now, the first two I have no problem with. However, Harvest Cheddar puzzles me a bit. What kind of cheese is harvested? Where does this great harvest occur? I guess I may be a bit naive, but I was unaware that cheese was not only a dairy product, but also a reapable crop. Please, someone let me know where these great cheese fields are, and I will drop all that I am doing and grab myself a machete and start harvesting tomorrow.

P.S. Anyone who can find me Kwik Trip's motto or mission statement in writing please let me know. It's pretty ridiculous. Check back later.

The Longest Valbowski

So that explains it...

In one of the most horrific studies I've seen in recent memory, scientists have linked chemicals used in cosmetics to small genitals. Apparently, mothers who use these products can stunt the growth and development of their unborn baby's genitalia. If you haven't read this story, it is a must.
http://http://www.startribune.com/stories/1556/5426078.html


This week, a DVD of Brian Wilson's 2004 classic "SMiLE" was released, featuring a documentary about the making of the album (which began in 1967) and a live performance of the work. I was fortunate enough to attend the United States premiere of SMiLE last fall, and the release of this DVD brought back vivid memories and stirred up some thoughts. For certain, that show ranked among my favorites of all time, and this blog is in need of a ranking, so here goes. Here are my top 10 concerts I've witnessed.

TOP 10 CONCERTS I'VE ATTENDED:

10. Pearl Jam with Idlewild, June 16, 2003, XCel Energy Center, St. Paul, MN
Although Elliot and I were sitting basically in Minneapolis, and our knowledge of the Pearl Jam library was limited to their radio hits, this show delivered. I was especially excited to hear Idlewild, a Scottish band I have followed for a few years, and they ended their set with my favorite tune, "Scottish Fiction." My only desire coming into the concert was to hear "Jeremy," but they did not play it, despite their three encores. Slight downgrade because of that.

9. Elton John and Billy Joel, April 19, 2003, Fargo Dome, Fargo, ND
It's not often you get the chance to see two hall of fame rockers in one night, and not even the Fargo Dome could dampen that opportunity. The setlists were fairly brief, and I would have liked Elton to sing "Your Song," rather than Billy, but most of the songs were absolute classics. The highlight of the show for me was the 10-minute "Funeral For a Friend/Love Lies Bleeding."

8. They Might Be Giants and The Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players, October 24, 2002, The Fitzgerald Theater, St. Paul, MN
Without question the most unique "concert" I've seen. It was here that I first became exposed to classics such as "Dr. Worm" and "Birdhouse In Your Soul." Two very talented musicians. What set this show apart, however, was the Slideshow Players. A father plays the keyboard and his daughter clunks arythmic drums while the mother projects slides on a large screen. If you're thinking that sounds strange, your vocabulary needs improvement. This act is unparalleled.

7. R.E.M. with Wilco, August 21, 1999, Midway Stadium, St. Paul, MN
Concerts are always better outside, especially when the 40-something men around you are passing around some grass and it's your first concert without your parents. While Wilco was unknown to me at the time (I would pay $50 to see them now), R.E.M. was a huge name. The concert became classic when it began downpouring in the middle of their set. Unfortunately, the show had to be cut short because of the weather, but I'll never forget screaming along to "It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" while getting drenched by some of the most intense rain I've ever experienced.

6. Beck with Dashboard Confessional and The Black Keys, June 12, 2003, Roy Wilkins Auditorium, St. Paul, MN
It's a toss-up between Beck and Prince for the title of best live individual performer. With choreographed robotic dancing and glow-in-the-dark white jumpsuits, Beck's show is much more than just music. Beck was on tour promoting his magnificent album "Sea Change," but played all his funky hits, as well as personal favorites "Milk and Honey" and "Nicotine and Gravy."

5. The Get Up Kids with Saves the Day, Dashboard Confessional and Hey Mercedes, July 25, 2001, House of Blues, Chicago, IL
An unbelievable lineup, when all of the bands were at their absolute peaks. The Get Up Kids played most of their songs from "Something To Write Home About," as well as my favorite, "Anne Arbour" (the person, not the city). Dashboard Confessional was especially memorable, because in 2001 Chris Carrabba sat on a stool and accompanied his heartfelt ballads with only an acoustic guitar. Much more intimate and enjoyable than their current operation. And it's always fun to see a concert in a different city and a new venue.

4. Dave Matthews Band, December 3, 2000, Target Center, Minneapolis, MN
Although the Target Center is an absolutely horrible place to see a concert, this is the only time DMB has played "#41," my all-time favorite song. Sitting a mile away from the stage didn't matter at all. That song alone vaults this concert way up the list.

3. Brian Wilson, September 30, 2004, Orpheum Theater, Minneapolis, MN
Without question the most historical concert I've seen, Wilson unveiled his 35-year project "SMiLE" for the first time in the U.S. This 17-song work, split into 3 movements and played as one piece is the most elaborately crafted music I've ever heard, and seeing it live was unbelievable. With 18 people on stage, all of them playing something, and most of them singing, one of the most unique, powerful sounds emerged. Not only did Wilson perform SMiLE, but he also performed a campfire-like acoustic set and busted out all of the classic Beach Boys tunes, including "I Get Around," "Help Me Rhonda," "Barbara Ann," "Surfin' U.S.A." and "Fun, Fun, Fun." You absolutely have to see this ensemble live to completely appreciate its brilliance.

2. Prince, June 18, 2004, XCel Energy Center, St. Paul, MN
Actually, Prince is the best solo performer, hands down. He played most of his hits in a medley to begin the concert, but the best part about this concert was the half-hour acoustic set Prince treated the audience to. Prince has always been an underrated guitar player, and he performed "Little Red Corvette," "Raspberry Beret," "I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man" and many others like you'll never see or hear again. This show was cemented at the top of the list when Prince returned for his encore and sang "The Beautiful Ones," giving the most gripping, hair-raising performance I've ever seen. I was completely awe-struck and blown away.

1. Dave Matthews Band, August 20, 2000, Alpine Valley Ampitheater, East Troy, WI
Definitely not the best concert I've seen, but it was certainly the most anticipated. This was the first time I saw DMB live, and I had waited eight years for that day. There is nothing like seeing your first concert of your favorite band--in fact, that's the only solid reason this concert ranks as my favorite of all time. The setlist was good, but nothing could have interrupted my childlike exuberance on that night. I've since seen them 4 more times (soon to be 5), and I know that no matter how great any of their shows may be, they won't touch this one.

Kung Fu Valbowski

Just thought it was my duty as a vigilant American to inform you all the Little Debbie is, in fact, the owner of the #1 oatmeal pie in the country. Because I was pretty sure it was Roundy's or Our Family.

Couple quick music notes: Dave Matthews Band released their 7th studio album a few weeks ago. Initially, I was so turned off by it that I could hardly make it through the entire disc once. Since then, however, basically nothing has changed. The songs are driven by a pop/rap-like beat, sounding mostly synthetic and digitized. Guitar chords and progressions have surrendered to cheap and often sterile riffs. Save for 2 or 3 songs, the saxophone is all but eliminated. The violin is plucked more than played, and Dave sounds high, drunk and near death. There are a few tolerable songs, but for the most part, stay away.

Two of my favorite bands, The Get Up Kids and Ozma, have called it quits. TGUK are on a farewell tour this summer, and just released a live album that highlights their entire 10-year collection. I will be sad to see them go, but their 1999 album "Something To Write Home About" remains one of my 3 favorite CDs of all time.

VERY EARLY artists to watch this summer:
Bing Ji Ling, a Beck/Prince hybrid, who croons in his falsetto while being backed by jazzy beats. His album is called "Doodle Loot Doodle A Doo," and I recommend the first track, "Do What I Gotta Do." Very innovative and interesting artist.
www.bingjiling.com

Terramara is a local band who just released a CD titled "Four Blocks to Hennepin." They have a strong jazz vibe with tight harmonies and elaborate orchestration. Star Tribune critic compares them to Steely Dan (Pete's favorite band). Check out "Running Down the Avenue."
http://www.terramara.com

The Upside of Valbowski

Just thought everyone should know that Sandlot 2: Son of the Beast, the straight-to-video classic, recently came out. Starring James Earl Jones, this one is a can't miss.

Also, I've been puzzled lately by ATM machines. Is there any reason that the automated woman speaks with a British accent? Did the ATM machine originate in the UK? Personally, I would like my ATM machine to speak American dialect when I am taking out my cash. "Please wait while your trahnsahksion is being prohsessed," she says. I just think it's a little bizarre.

Working at a convenience store really sucks. As I was on my hands and knees stocking flavored soy milk the other day, I had a revelation: I am about to be a senior in college and I am on my hands and knees stocking flavored soy milk in a shitty convenience store. I am a lowly cashier. There are freshmen who are student managers. Actually, I don't mind the lack of responsibility. But it's still pathetic.

Having to complete hundreds of transactions in a shift at the store, I try to vary my speech when telling a customer his/her total or giving someone change back. Two-fifty, a dollar seventy-eight, four dollars and 34 cents, a buck and a quarter, you know, switch it up. That got me to thinking. Do other countries say the equivalent of our "dollar fifty," for example. Like say you're in Germany, do they say "Euro 75?" Or is it cool to say "Yen 44?" I may have to do some research on this subject.

Coming soon: my wrapup of this season's TVmovies, including "Category 6: Day of Destruction," "Spring Break Shark Attack" and "Locusts," and the Sci-Fi Channel classics "Chupacabra," "Raptor Island," "Sasquatch" and "King Cobra."

Valbowski Ha Ha

When you work 9 hours a day in a convenience store the size of your bedroom that has a limited radio signal, you are subjected to the worst torture one could imagine: top 40 radio stations. Only the biggest and most repulsive stations come in in the basement, so we get to choose from KQRS, 93.7, KS95, Cities 97 and KDWB. Not exactly prime selection. Cities 97 was the choice of the day. And let me tell you, if their playlist is any indication of what variety radio stations will play in ten years, we are in trouble. I've always wondered--what will our KS95 be in 10-15 years? What songs that were popular in their time will be retained for the station that plays the 90s, 2000s and today? Will they play Backstreet Boys and other boy bands? Britney Spears and the sex symbols? The Goo Goo Dolls and the catchy acoustic rock scene? Rock? Pop? Rap?

Cities 97 gives us a horrifying glimpse. Their playlist consists of mostly newer songs, from the last year or so. You know, your Howie Day, your Jet, a little Jack Johnson, new U2 and Bruce Springsteen. They also play carry-over songs from the 80's, mostly U2, John Mellancamp, The Boss, and others like Annie Lennox, R.E.M., Sting, and others. But those songs in between, the tunes of the late-90s and early 2000s, are leading me to believe variety radio is heading down a dangerous trail. Here is a list of songs that I would categorize in that era as being holdovers from the last five-ten years that Cities 97 regularly plays:

"Torn," Natalie Imbruglia
"Head Over Feet," Alanis Morissette
"You Were Meant For Me," Jewel
"When It's Over," Sugar Ray
"Save Tonight," Eagle Eye Cherry
"With Arms Wide Open," Creed
"Sail Away," David Gray
"Drift Away," Uncle Kracker
"Unwell," Matchbox 20
"The Game of Love,"Santana/Michelle Branch
"Fly Away," Lenny Kravitz

I'm not entirely optimistic about the radio playlists of the future.

P.S. Somebody post some sort of comment. Is anybody reading this?

Kingdom of Valbowski

For the sixth time in my college career, I attended a midnight premiere screening of a movie last night. This time, we saw Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith, the most highly-anticipated premiere of the bunch. Surprisingly, the five of us (Me, Conor, Logan, Elliot, Chief) fit in fairly well. However, some people REALLY embarrassed themselves in the eyes of any normal human being. There were those dressed in capes and masks, those with light sabers battling in front of the entire theater and one guy who made an entire storm trooper (the white bad dudes) outfit out of paper plates. There also were a few homemade t-shirts, akin to something I see 7-year olds wearing at Twins games. One dude put on a short expo of his light saber moves alone in front of the packed theater, drawing inexplicable oohs and ahhs. The guy was swinging around a long plastic, lit-up whiffle bat for goodness sakes. I'll go up there and do a little praying mantis and bring down the house if you'd like. Congratulations you can swing around a stick.

Star Wars fans are fairly giddy. They are quite excitable, and VERY unkempt, not to mention smelly. And on this night, they cheered for just about everything, the loudest of the cheers coming when we were notified the movie would be brought to us with THX sound--you know, that really loud organ-sounding thing before movies. Yeah, they cheered for that. Thankfully, the movie played out without many interrupting applauses, save for Yoda's ass-kicking scenes.

While listening to talk radio earlier that day, I heard a discussion about Star Wars fans and grown men dressing up as Wookies and Jedis. Mark Rosen, the sports guy for WCCO, and Chad Hartman, host of his own radio show on KFAN, were leading the chatter. Rosen, by the end of the conversation, was seriously considering going to a midnight showing to see all the fans. As they were cutting to commercial, Rosen accidentally spoke into his microphone, and his candid words could be heard on the radio. He said: "Today is one of those nights where I'm not going to be driving, I know I won't be driving. So I'm going to drink X amount of alcohol and see what I blow." Oops. May the Schnapps be with you.

Fever Valbowski

Couple quick posts while I'm here at work (where being online is against the rules). You'll all be thrilled and surprised to learn that NBC will be continuing "The Office" next fall. I was shocked when I saw they were continuing it, but we'll have at least one more taste of Mike, Jim and Dwight. Also, I just lost all hope for positive prospects of Mission Impossible: 3, which is scheduled to be filmed this summer. It appears a leading role will be played by none other than the action movie-tested hottie, Lindsay Lohan. I bet she'll be convincing. I'll be back later with my thoughts on the future of radio, my pathetic job, ATMs, straight-to-video movies and eventually, a 2004-05 TV Movie Wrapup.

Valbowski of Wax

At the end of each semester, it has become tradition for the residents of 1212 Como to add one additional final to the course load: the alcohol final. This final is a written essay noting just how drunk the individual is and what grade he/she deserve for his/her drinking habits throughout the semester. The final, in compilation with a midterm written exam and drinking performances during the year, will determine the final grade. I present to you now the alcohol finals that were turned in last night, Sunday, May 15, 2005, unedited.

Nils Hoeger-Lerdal:

ODE TO DRINKING:

Gilly gilly goo
Gilly gilly gai
I want to have a piece
Of that apple pie
Mookie mookie loo
Mookie mookie low
Tell me how high
Does your garden gros?
Conor's gonna puke
Conor's gonna spew
Watch out for my ass
I'm gettin loo
Snarly snarly peek
Snarly snarly pike
Conor is a douche
And his mom's a dyke
Interrogate my dilsnick
Interrogate my cock
Elliot's dad he works
At Anchor Block
I love Fresca
I love DC Loo
I fart quite a bit
And it smells like poo
I think this final
Might deserve an A
But only if I'm driving
Down Nick-O-Lay
Conor graduated
Elliot got third
Adam sucks his own dick
While squeezing out a turd
I'm gettin LOO
Takin a POO
Susan BOO
Moo goo goo GOO
Jumbo Ding GAI
Micky Liqui LAI
Food I love is THAI
That is my FI-
NAL.

GRADE: B+


Andrew Aleckson:

ODE TO CHEVY
DEEP RIVER!!! MY HOME IS OVER JORDAN
I DESERVE AN A FOR FINALS BECAUSE:
I TELL STORIES AS GOOD AS THE BEAR
CONOR TELLS STORIES THAT HAVE NO POINT
ELLIOT LIKES CHEESE AND KILLING MICE
CONOR IS PUKING
HE IS A BITCH
I HAVE NOTHING
NILS=MAGNA CUMA LAUDE
NILS=MAGNUM CUM LAUDE
CONOR=F.

GRADE=A-


Adam Eberhardt:

Final
It's finals time. E dawg is missing, I'm so fucking drunk. I love my boys, I love them all. I climbed in thru the window. Conor graduated, the bus girl at Muff Dogs was hot. Gina is hot. I'm drunk, this is finals. WHAT!

GRADE: B-


Elliot Esch was incapable of writing a final. Because of that...

GRADE: A


Logan LaPorte did not write a final, nor did he write a midterm. His lack of dedication means...

GRADE: B+


Conor Leonard wrote the most incoherent final of all, but does not want it posted. This all but guarantees it...

GRADE: D-


Luke Stanke felt obligated to write a final of his own, making it his first participation in the event.

here is the essay
lesser forms of the wanted
Dear Great Finalists of the one and only Alcohol Finals.
It is with great intent that I wrte to you for the A final grade. Although I may have missed out on a few midterms, I do not think I deserver any thing lerss than an A on this paper. Why, because I actually know who each of the roommatea are located in the 12th/13th and Como Apartment. To prove it, I will provide word associations for each of the deserving persons located within your household. First and foremost I bring your attention to conor b. Leonoard, not the son of susan b. Anthony, but the sun of Susan Leonard. I once wrote a poem about the relationship of Susan to the rest of the world, however, I can only offer a tribute, a tribute to the greatest poem in the world. I will leave it as a referene to the rest. Nils, he is a man with the great suspiciousn. Conquoring the world with his knowledge of the piano and sports. For that I bring great jealously. Now for Elliot Eshe. He pull vaults. I pole vaulted in HS. That's short for High School. That is our link. Althogh, now, he jumps infinity times higer than I did in the ol; HS, and is a man who can conquer all. As for Mr. Logan, he is the pimpmatic, Nathan Handel is the odd man out, similar in attidutdes, but not the same level of friendship offered between the previous four mentiuoned, which is tragic, however I cannot see the difference between tteh two except for the time spent away from each other and stuff,. PS. Nate is the man, ladies man, take him home to mom, seriously, do that;. I cannot make up for such magic that he brings to the ladies, dispite his size. For this I offer the rest of my essy. I deserve the A because I live with 3 fat girls. Much like chinderella. You could say I am a modern day Cinderella, living with 3 fat girls who sit on the couch all day, imagining thie ideal man, and why they are getting fat., I offer them the answers of they sit and ponder questions all day on the couch, eating food and pretending like they matter in life. In conclusion, I live with 3 fat girls and 1 good friend, any person who can suffer through such an ordeal deserves an A FOR THE FINAL AND FOR AN OVERALL GRADE.
Susan B. Anthony Leonard Rocks,Sincerely,Your Friend, Mr. Luke D. Stanke, Extrodinare, Drunky, Only 1
that is my essay
boom
matic
GRADE: C-


More good stuff coming soon.

Valbowski in Law

Couple things today. Apparently, some of the words in these posts are appearing as links. Well, they're not links, as some of you may have realized. That is a virus on my computer that somehow transfers onto these posts. So, ignore it when words such as "basket" or "internet" appear as links.

Recently, a discussion has taken place regarding Morgan Spurlock and his documentary "Super Size Me." In the film, Spurlock eats McDonalds three times a day for an entire month. The results are disgusting and revolting, and needless to say I left there craving a double cheeseburger as much as I ever had. Turns out Spurlock will host his own TV show for FX titled "30 Days," in which Spurlock will examine what a person can put himself through in a month. The show premieres June 15.

So the question arose: what restaurant would do the most damage to a person if you ate there three times daily for an entire month. Initially, Mexican food, specifically giant burritos, was the trendy pick. Imagine eating three Chipotle (a McDonalds franchise I might add) burritos every day for a month. That would do some damage. However, that damage would be minimal compared to a diet consisting exclusively of Pineida burritos. These foot-long giants include two meat choices, beans, rice and "all the fixings," and are wrapped in two--yes two--12-inch tortillas. I myself needed every ounce of motivation and gusto to take one of those down in one sitting, and it certainly could provide a day's worth of meals. THAT would be a rough month. Not to mention the spices that exist in the burritos and the gaseous outbreaks that certainly would occur.

There are other restaurant options, such as a Mediterranean place (maybe Little Chef) specializing in pita breads, lamb meat and tzatziki sauces. American foods also would be tough to handle, and Buffalo Wild Wings has enough spices to tame the strongest of food experimentists. Thai food would be tough to handle, and Indian food would be near impossible to digest. Other fast food places would pack a punch, such as Taco Bell, White Castle or Culver's and their butter burgers.

But the worst type of restaurant to be stuck at for a month would undoubtedly be a buffet. And Old Country Buffet would get it done. Imagine packing in all those mashed potatoes, fresh meat cuts, and ice cream sundaes. OH MY GOD. But OCB doesn't even compare to the torture that would exist inside your torso after eating at a Chinese buffet for 30 days. Think about it: is there anything at a Chinese buffet that doesn't upset your stomach anyway? All the grease, the thick sauces, the flavors, the cream cheese wontons. I think you would probably die. If anybody thinks they can come up with a worse situation than a Chinese buffet, I would like to know.

I think I might try to start a couple running segments. We'll see how they pan out. One idea I'm certain will be able to hold up as long as this thing is up and running. We'll call it "Conor's Clutch Cargo Move of the Day." And we'll start it off with a real doozy.

Conor has spent the last few days in Philadelphia with the crew team. Last night, he called me asking for me to pick him up at the airport the following day, around 12:30. "A.M. or P.M.?" I asked him. "P.M." "Okay," I said. "I'll be there." So, at 12:30 p.m. sharp this afternoon, Adam and I found ourselves wandering the corridors of the Humphry Terminal, wondering where Conor was. We found a flight from Philly arriving at 1:10, and we thought maybe that would be the Condor. When he was nowhere to be found, we became worried. So we placed a call. "Hey man, where are you?"
"I'm still in Philly."
"Oh. I thought you said your flight was getting in at 12:30."
"Yeah, p.m."
"It is p.m."
.....
"Yeah but I meant at nigh--oh shit."
CLASSIC.

The other segment I'd like to introduce I'll call "The Ultimate Bitch Move of a Lifetime." This idea came up when Adam and I were sitting at a stoplight, in the left lane, behind one car. As the light was about to turn, the car flipped on its left turn signal, giving us no warning of his upcoming turn or opportunity to switch lanes. Ultimate Bitch Move. Hopefully I'll encounter these often enough to continue relaying them to you. That's all for today.

Revenge of the Valbowski

So usually when something is abbreviated, there is a significant amount of abbreviation involved. They are not meant to be catchy or hip, they just need to take up less space than the entire word. Most words are capable of being abbreviated, although I suggest just substituting "loo" in place of the end of the word.

However, Dairy Queen does not seem to believe in the concept of meaningful abbreviations. They're abbreviating because damnit they can, and damnit they're creative. When you order yourself a chicken strip basket, reasonably priced at $4.99 and $5.99, you are offered a choice of sauces. You are also notified that it will cost you an additional $.49 for an "Xtra" sauce. Now, this, in my opinion, was not what abbreviations were designed for. Simply taking out one letter does not cut it. Not only is this not a well-executed abbreviation, the word would be pronounced exactly the same as the original. Very upsetting. Now, Xtina, there's an abbreviation.

The posts will get better people, I promise.

Valbowski and Screaming

So tonight I found myself at a benefit for Camp Heartland, an organization for children with HIV and AIDS. Love to support those guys. Anyway, the benefit featured a performance by the Wallflowers, of 7th grade fame. As I was listening to them crank out some of my favorite middle school tunes, such as "Sixth Avenue Heartache" and "One Headlight," I wondered what it must be like to be washed up in basically the prime of your career. I mean, basically, these guys have zero popularity and forever will be on a greatest hits tour with all their old stuff. I wonder if they drink themselves silly after every show. I would. Hell, I would even if I was the most popular band on the planet.

So here's the deal. When I go to a show, usually I end up wanting to listen to that band as much as possible afterward. That is sort of the benchmark. If I want to listen more, it was a good show. And let me tell you, when the Wallflowers were playing "Three Marlenas," I was ready to leave. Not even a few gin and tonics could save me. These guys are done.

Nonetheless, it was a good night and I will forever be able to say I saw the Wallflowers in concert, and they played my favorite song from 7th grade.

The Valbowski's Guide to the Galaxy

Hey guys, I hope enough of you figured out how to get here to make this post worthwhile. This will be the first of dozens of updates throughout the summer, hopefully daily. Although that will only be possible with a large amount of pressure from you guys telling me to write more often.

Anyway, I had nothing to do this week, so I decided to head home for a couple days. Going home is great--my parents think I'm coming home to spend time with them, I know I'm going home to spend their money. And it appears that my parents think that in the last three years I have learned absolutely nothing about how to live on my own.

"How are you going to find yourself something to make for lunch?" my dad asked me.
"Dad, I can find something."
"Would you like to make BLTs?"
"Sure."
"Well here's the bacon if you give that a shot."

If I give that a shot?!?!?

"Well I don't know, have you ever cooked bacon before?"

Three years I've been living on my own. I can cook AT LEAST breakfast sausage at this point. MAYBE corned beef hash. Maybe.

And the town of Hutchinson, 14,000 people in all, has not become more confusing since I left, despite the opinions of my parents. I needed an oil change, and where else would I go than Bob's Fast Lube. The only time you can say "fast lube" without any social consequences is when you make a trip to Bob's Fast Lube, so I plug that whenever possible. My dad, however, wasn't sure I could handle the outing. When I told him of my plan to head out to Bob's, he was skeptical.

"Do you know where that is?"
"Yes. It's on one of the TWO roads."
"OK. Well you just go there and tell them that you need an oil---"
"Dad."

Do parents really think that our life skills decline the longer we're away from them? Would my dad be shocked to learn that yes, I can even sprinkle taco seasoning on some ground beef to make tacos? Would he be surprised if I told him that I register for my own classes? Could he possibly comprehend that I am responsible for waking myself up every morning and going to class? Would he find it unusual that I have started my own Whizzinator business? ($149.99 by the way).

Well that's the issue for today. I'll be posting more very soon. Just remember this: If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

nils.